Wow, so much has happened since the last time I blogged here. Little did I know at the time that 5 months to the day that I wrote that last blog I would be meeting my future husband. And especially didnt know that 7 months after that would be married and 3 months after that would be going to school again and living 13,000 miles from home. I think it is safe to say a lot has happened in a year! Check out pictures of the wedding on my profile! So lets recap quickly. My husband's name is Todd. I am now Brittney Hallowell. He is 27, I am 21 years old now. We just had our 5 month anniversary! Yay for us! My little sister also got married, so it was a very busy year for my parents planning weddings. Im very sorry to them for that. We moved at the beginning of December to Texas from Ohio. I am still pretty homesick but not nearly as bad as I was. It does help when it is in the 60s here and in single digits in Ohio though. I really miss my family. And I really miss my puppy too. I gave Kaysa back b/c she was just destroying the house and it was best for her, and last January I got a little Maltese named Zeus. A big name for such a little dog, but he fits it well. He has the personality the size of the ruler of Olympus! He is an absolute white fluffball of terror and energy, but he is the sweetest creature God ever created. He wants nothing more than to be close and show you that he loves you. That truly is the only emotion he is capable of. Eternal love. I think I cuddled him too much when he was a baby. Unfortunatly with our busy schedules and lack of $500 for a pet deposit, we had to leave him with my parents in Ohio. Originally it was just for the time being, but my parents have grown to love him so much and I think actually depend on him, that Im not sure I could take him away from them when it comes time we could bring him down. We will see.

Anyway, our schedules keep us incredibly busy. I work in San Antonio which is an hour away from Seguin. I currently am a temp at Bank of America, but hopefully they will be hiring me on soon. Its your average 8-5 Mon through Fri job, but I really enjoy it, and Im good at what I do. I also go to school in the evenings for Massage Therapy, and hopefully next January I will be finished and able to start practicing. School is Mon, Tues and Thurs from 6-10 so I generally get home at 11. Enough time to clean up, kiss the hubby, and go to sleep to start all over. Todd has a busy schedule too. He is in school at Texas Lutheran U for Psychology, so as you can imagine he has plenty of class time and plenty of studying! He also works part time as a delivery driver for Lowes, and he is working with the soccer team daily to be ready for tryouts in the fall. We also attend Oak Hills church in San Antonio and go to a Young Marrieds Bible study there on Sundays.

We run ourselves ragged, and have little time for each other, but the little time we have we try to spend together and make the best of it. The first year of marriage is not easy by any means, and I would never recommend a schedule like this for any other newlywed couple. But with God's help we are making the best of things and we are growing together through suffering I suppose.

I must admit though, it is very overwhelming. I feel as though Im in a constant state of adjusting. I wish things were more set in stone and solid, but unfortunately they are not. So, Im taking it one day at a time, and hoping this next year will go by like last year did, and soon things will be easier... I hope.

Yes, I am still struggling with depression and a general state of discontent which is why I am resorting back to blogging. I have a lot going on in my mind, and I can only dump so much on Todd. I know he wants to be a good husband and wants me to tell him everything, but there are a lot of things that he cant provide answers for or cant help me with. Many times I just need to get it out. I dont need someone worrying more about me b/c of the possibly morbid way I sometimes think.  A lot of times I just need to sort through my thoughts. They tend to get jumbled in my head and writing about them seems to help them flow into a coherant train of thought. It helps make everything more bearable. Sometimes life just isnt. Im terrified of antidepressants though. I was close to going on them once, but a good friend of mine died b/c of taking them, and ever since then I just cant bring myself to take them. A big part of me thinks that I should be able to just overcome this, or that prayer and meditating and God's help alone should "cure" me and make me happy. I dont know what to do. I dont want drugs to make me a different person. I just want to enjoy life on my own. And man when I have highs I am really really high on life, but anything can flip that switch and then I am so low. It worries me, b/c when Im like that I feel like Im making Todd miserable, even if Im not, I feel like I am. And I want more than anything to make him happy. So in those times I wish for his sake that we'd never got married and he wouldnt have a psycho wife to take care of. But then there are days like today where I am so thankful for him in my life and I wouldnt change I single thing. Really, I feel like 2 people. 2 very different people all fighting for inhabitance of my body.

Speaking of trying to overcome, I cant remember if I ever told you about my trichotillomania. I doubt it b/c I always tried to hide it b/c I thought it was weird and disgusting and it made me disgusting but I couldnt stop doing it. It was about a year ago that Todd found out I pull out my eyelashes and although he didnt mean to, he really embarrassed me about it and made me feel even more badly about it than I previously had. No one wants to pull out their eyelashes, or for some people eyebrows or head hair, or even body hair. For me, I stuck to eyelashes. That is just how the disorder affected me. I started doing it very mildly around 16. Butterfly kisses were always my thing b/c I had very long eyelashes. In fact, more people complimented me on my eyelashes than anything else. It was around 18 or 19 that it got really bad. Eventually I had pulled out every eyelash on my eyes and I couldnt stop. I wanted desperately to, but couldnt. It is constantly on my mind. I get this overwhleming urge and I cant suppress it until I have "found the hair". But afterwards I feel so awful and dirty and weird that Im worse off. Its kind of like people with eating disorders. They get into a cycle where they do something to try making themselves feel better but in the end send themselves further downhill. Thats me with with my trich. And I had tried EVERYTHING! Wearing goggles at home, wearing gloves, sitting on my hands, you name it! Problem is it takes 2 seconds to pull out a lash and 2 months to grow it back, so the odds of saving a lash is slim. Even when Todd teasingly told me he wouldnt marry someone without eyelashes and I took him seriously I couldnt stop. And trust me, that was real motivation there, b/c I figured he "must" find me as disgusting as I find myself and why WOULD he want to marry someone like that, so I tried so hard to make myself "beautiful" for our wedding day, but I still could not stop reaching up to my eyes. I had just about given up a few weeks ago, when I was on a trichotillomania website and they were talking about the new big "treatment" in Britain is Kava Kava herbs. So I looked into Kava and found out its really an amazing drug on paper. A completely natural antidepressant and there were numerous success stories. So I ordered some, and much to my disbelief, the very first day I took it I felt a difference.  I went 3 days in a row without pulling out ONE hair! Its been years since Ive accomplished that! Its been over a week now and I admit I have pulled out 2 or 3 lashes in that time period, but that is such a big change from how I was before and its getting easier for me. So, hopefully in another 6 weeks or so I will have long beautiful lashes again. And even though I know I will battle this the rest of my life, hopefully I will be able to keep up the good work.

Im learning to cook... slowly but surely.

 My mom is coming to visit next weekend! Im so excited! But Im nervous that Ill miss her like I did when we first moved again and it will be all the harder. I miss getting to hug my parents. I took that for granted when I lived there. Same as I took for granted all the little things they did that were so big. Pulling down my bed at night or making sure I had water, makin breakfast in the morning and hanging up my clothes the way I like them, keeping the house clean and making it a beautiful place for us, making sure my oil was changed and getting gas for me if they saw I was running low. If we were out of milk and I wanted cereal I never had to ask them, one of them would just go get it. Most of the time I didnt even want them to go get it, they just did it. They are the most self-sacrificing people I know, and I feel so spoiled b/c I didnt realize how much they did and how much they said in all those small things. Im sure it wasnt a big deal to them to do any of those things, but is such a big deal to me now. I was always a good kid-- a great kid compared to most teenagers-- but I was nowhere near good enough to them. I should have given them more hugs when I could have. Thats the beauty of hindsight and distance I suppose. Combine them together and you get a doosey.

 Well I think that is enough for the night. Its getting late and we have to get up very early to go to church, so I'll be leaving you now. I am going to be updating this often. I feel it is important right now to pen out my emotions and thoughts. I feel a little better already. So I will be returing soon. Thanks for listening.

Im so tired of not being happy. I dont even know who I am anymore. I used to blog to figure things out. Now I purposely avoid blogging so that I dont have to think about things. But maybe I should.

Alright, so I picked up Kaysa (the dog) Saturday, and ever since then I've been pretty unhappy. I couldnt figure out why until just now. Well, other than the fact that she ripped my expensive new curtains, destroyed my blinds, peed the size of 2 pizzas in my living room, tore apart my cd cases, cries at the door every 20 minutes and wants to just wander outside, and had me up all night with her barking and crying and need for continuous attention. That didnt make me too happy. But I can get used to all that stuff if its just the whole adjusting to a new situation. All that will hopefully get better. Its the part about her taking away my freedom that I dont know how Im going to adjust to.  Its no secret that I havent been my happy self this entire year pretty much. Just about anyone who knows me well knows that Im jsut very discontent and discouraged about a lot of things. The times that I am happiest are when I randomly decided to hop in my car and just drive. Roll down the window, put in some Ben Folds or Warren Haynes and enjoy the feeling of complete freedom and momentarily no worries. I could go to Barnes and Noble for 6 hours and stop by Starbucks and if Im feeling really good go paint some pottery before I come home to chat online or just chill watching tv. And I cant do that anymore! This dog cries when I go to the bathroom! She completely freaks outwhen I leave for short periods of times! (I am so dreading coming home from work tomorrow and seeing the house all in shambles. My beautiful apartment I worked so hard on. Im so proud of all I've accomplished and what I have to show for it, and in a few days she is quickly hurting it all. There are toys and treats laying around and water trecked through the kitchen and the windows are destroyed) Im like a prisoner in my own home.  My home which used to be my safe refuge and comfort zone is not that anymore. Now I know that when I come home Im going to have to focus my all on her to make her ok.  Im going to have to continuously stop what Im doing and take her outside for no reason (she just wants to wander). Im going to have to monitor all she drinks so she doesnt puke again. Im going to have to stop over her constantly since she wants to always be up against me and in my way. She just needs a lot of attention. And if Im honest with myself, I'll admit that I might be too selfish of a person to give her that. Im gonna keep trying for a while. Its too soon to surrender now. But something is going to have to change or Im going to have to have a change of heart. I hate surrender.  She deserves a home that will make her their all. I think she needs a home where she can come and go inside and where she has other animals.  She doesnt deserve to be drug from home to home or to be stuck inside if she feels like just being outside. Im not sure what to do. Like I said, Ill try a bit longer. I was still getting used to live before and adjusting. Maybe it was just too soon to throw a responsibility like this at myself. I finally had just stopped crying myself to sleep every night and dreading getting up. I was starting to accept life as it was. And now its different. The things I loved most and used as my safety harness are not the same or are unusable now. Maybe its just an adjustment period right now. But if I dont adjust and I cant love her and apperciate her the way I should I will have to give her back.

Other than that, Im still looking for another job. Kinda. I like my job but Im really getting jipped with the pay and especially if I keep Kaysa I need some extra money. Plus its still just as insane and psycho and it really makes me sick to be part of it. three vets offices are hiring for receptionists and technicians so Im going to go apply to those tomorrow hopefully. I wish I didnt have to leave my work now, but Im pretty sure I have to. Healthy normal people just dont put themselves through this kind of shit over and over.  I hate daily worrying if Im going to get in trouble for nothing or if it will be a good day and everyone will like me. Its just so rediculous there.

Other big thing is that I am really missing being in love again. Im starting to worry about myself. If Im not careful, I will do stupid things just to fool myself into thinking Im being loved. The very ironic thing is that there is someone very close to me who really does love and care for me and I push him away just to knowingly be led on by guys I know just want me for one thing or who i know it wont work out with in the end.  Im trying to just stay away from them all, b/c I have come to realize I cant trust my mind anymore.

I have also had a growing suspicion ever since I was 16 that something is physically wrong with me that will prevent me from having kids or that might be potentially dangerous for me.  After reading an article in Cosmo about endometriosis and further looking into it, Im really concerned. I've got a Dr's appointment to try to get a referral to see a specialist coming up at the end of this month. Im really crossing my fingers. Wouldnt that be great. The ONLY goal I still have is to get married and have a family, and that is potentially threatened now.... Im trying not to worry but I do anyway.

If Im this depressed now Im really not looking forward to the winter. I dont want a repeat of last winter. Im one of those people whom the weather really effects their emotional state of being, and I always get into a depressed funk in the winter... Im wondering if I should be worried cuz at this rate its gonna be baaaaaaad.

Alright Im tired of trying to figure myself out already. I dont even really want to know the girl I've become. I think Im afraid to know her. But if I get a brave moment and feel like digging deep Ill make sure to type it out for viewing pleasure. Lata

Alright alright, I know I am horrible at this blogging this and being consistent. Everytime something happens that is worth talking about though, I just count it is water under the bridge and wait for the next something to happen. But Ill try to catch you up.

Lets see, what all has happened since the last time we chatted? Well I moved for one. Thats probably the biggest thing. Here's a pic of my apartment:

Like it? I love it. It definitely screams Brittney. I told you I was going to have the prettiest first apartment ever, and I think I just might have succeeded.

What else? I think I might be getting a dog. I am trying to adopt one from a rescue agency, and let me tell ya, its hard! This is like adopting a child man! Dad and I drove to Kentucky to visit her Sunday. We spend like 2 hours just spending time with her and asking questions. I think the rescue woman was very pleased with me. Now all that is left is the house visit and then if all goes well she is mine!

Now ya gotta admit, that is one of the sweetest faces. Just begs you to come love it.  I really need something to be able to come home to and love.  There is this stray cat that hangs around my back porch and I have taken it upon myself to feed it, mainly just b/c I need to take care of something. Its pretty pathetic, this cat is not even mine yet I buy it the good food and cat treats. Its name is Kirt by the way, and yes, its a girl. but I so hope I get this dog.  She and I are right for each other I think.

Anyone who has read any of my other blogs knows there must be guy drama in the mix somewhere, and you would be correct. I've had nothing but drama drama drama. I've never liked being one of those girls, but somewhere along the line I became one of those girls that drama just seems to follow. I dont even want to attempt to relive the number of guys I've dated once or twice since Ive moved. One lasted about 3 weeks.... and then misteriously vanished. Did the typical man thing.  I wish I could say he freaked or that he was a dick or that he had good reason, but I have no idea what happened cuz he quite literally just vanished and was not heard from or seen. He left one night in great spirits making plans for the weekend and that was that. I think he was wacked lol. Sorry, not something to joke about, but I dont take lightly to being used or to people not doing what they say they will do. Im a little bitter about it yeah.

There has been one other guy who has made it past the two date marker as well.  So far things are going well... impressively well I would say. Almost so much that it freaks me out. I can feel myself clamming up, and Im really trying not to, but it always seems as soon as I relax and get close I get hurt, and Im not ready to get hurt again. its funny the more I like someone the harder it is for me to show that I do, until I make it over some imaginary bump in the road and then Im overly affectionate probably. But Brendan just came out a pretty crazy relationship and is all up for the idea of going slowly, so this far its working out great. Keep your fingers crossed!

Ok, this is a pretty pathetic excuse for a blog. Im sorry. Im rusty. Im gonna try to be better about updating you. There is definitely enough drama to keep you going. I gotta go now though. I still gotta shower and take a bit of a nap. Chris McDaniel and I (whom I've gotten very close to since I've moved) are going to meet Brendan and some of his friends down near Cincinnati and go bowling and hang out. Should be fun :). But I have to open in the morning and its quite a drive and I know I wont want to leave, so Im thinking I should nap before we head out. So thats what Im off to do now. Enjoy the pics!

Ok, so you know you're in Ohio when you turn on the TV and you hear the clip for the 11:00 news is "Tune in tonight to see how you can win a free dairy cow!" YAY!!! I've always wanted a cow of my very own! Now my dreams can come true.  Hot dog!

Then today, I get in the car and turn on the radio, only to hear that traffic is backed up because a stray herd of goats (thats right.... goats) has somehow gotten onto the highway.  I was much relieved however to hear that several police officers were "making their way to the scene" (as if the goats commited some heinous crime) and would soon have the issue resolved.  Thank God I know where my tax money is going.  Good thing I have the sheriff for times such as this.  Way to protect the people.  Keep up the good work boys!  Stop the goat revolts!!!!

Oh my, I love Ohio.... so so steriotypical and now so so true.

When I was driving home tonight, there must have been literally thousands and thousands of fireflies along the road.  It was so pretty.  For miles they were flickering across the fields and puddles we in Ohio call ponds, looking like twinkling stars in a galaxy of grass.  I loved it... until they meandered onto the road... then I didnt appreciate the now shooting stars smattering across my windshield.  It was kinda cool how they would light up upon impact, however, lightningbug guts are not the easiest thing to clean off glass. In fact.... it kinda just put this dull film all over the outside of the car and got worse the more I tried to fix (like everything in life it seems).  The experience did bring back some fond childhood memories.  Childhood meaning within the last 4 years.  Memories of me and Krista finding creative ways to destroy the little flashing monsters.  Some ways include: catching them in a bottle and then covering up the air holes (they get really bright and all dim at the same time slowly), catching them and smearing their lights on something (makes it glow for a while... I realize we sound horrible but my mom used to make jewelry out of them so in comparison we're really not that bad), and my favorite- taking a baseball bat to them.  Granted the last one is not so creative and just about anyone with joints can do it, but there is something about haphazardly swinging a large stick and sending little beams of light soaring across the yard that is so rewarding and satisfying.  We'd try to see who could hit one the farthest or the most in one swing.  Poor things would be invisible to our eyes and suddenly, with a mighty swing of the bat, three would light up simultaneously and arc across the sky like little fireballs. *Sigh* Good times. Eventually we had to throw away all the bats due to the rancid stench from hundreds of murdered bugs. Lesson of the story... I dont have one. 

This is not your typical myspace blog.  Anyone who wants to read something funny or quirky, either read my last blog of move on to the next person in your search b/c that is not what this is about.  This is about me getting out a little frustration or confusion or unhappiness or something.  I just needed to sort things out and it easiest on paper and my other blog is so freakin slow you get the pleasure of viewing my true thoughts.  So lets dig in with a spoon.  Basically Im just not happy.  I cant figure out whether I love my life or hate it.  It's reached the point where I almost question the need for medication, solely b/c I know I have a great life and yet it doesnt make me happy.  At the end of the day I feel incomplete, like the peices dont fit together and this is life is just not for me, but I dont know how to change.  I know I should be thankful and nothing but joyous, and I am thankful, but it just seems like my life is off.  I havent spent much time trying to figure out why b/c I dont want to wallow in self pity or try to find a reason why my life is "bad" (which I know is not true), so I try to just make the best of each day.  I think what probably is upsetting me most is the lack of any kind of security anymore.  I feel like everything I held on to before or that I should be grasping for now is missing.  It has all fallen apart.  First there is the moving factor.  Now I've always been independant, but I have lived this life for 20 years and its all I know. And what am I changing it for?  Absolutely no reason.  Just b/c I want a change, but I am so afraid of failing.  My job offers me no security.  It is low paying, and although I love it, I just dont feel like I fit in or like I am wanted there.  I dont want to go to a job where they tolerate me.  I want to be someone they dont want to lose.  In fact I am updating my resume as soon as I finish this and searching for another job b/c I just can not take wondering if they think I am good enough today or if tomorrow they will not want me and try to freeze me out again.  They cant fire me, but they sure can run me out.  I know I shouldnt let them but for what Im getting paid this is not worth it.  So there is moving and not being sure I can survive, there is the hanging by a string feeling at work, and then at home my mom, who has been the backbone of my life pretty much has basically adopted another family member, my sister's bf.  This is ok, but I really feel like she is trying to replace me.  I have been blown off for him and Krista several times, she spends more time with him it seems, and I sometimes wonder who she would even acknowledge first if I walked in the door at the same time as him.  I understand he is going through crap, but geesh, dont forget your child of 20 years. Ok, so now I sound like a spoiled baby, but you dont understand the relationship we had, and I just feel like it is changing drastically and I want it back.  Mom called me out on not being happy today and asked if it was b/c Krista had a guy and I didnt.  No, absolutely not it.  The only reason I DO want a guy around is b/c there is that security aspect.  I feel safe and protected with guys, which is why I think I have always surrounded myself with them.  I need to feel like someone is taking care of me and I dont right now.  I feel like it is me on the gangplank alone while the future is putting its all powerful foot on the board shaking it, willing me to fall into the raging sea below.  I just feel like the little bit of security I have will unravel at any time and leave me cowering in the corner. I hate this feeling, and I dont know what to do to make it go away.  I just need a hug so bad and for someone to tell me its going to be ok- that they wont let anything happen me.  Be my hero?

Grandmothers are the devil. At least mine are. The one I have been with for the past day and a half tops them all though. She has done nothing but be herself which means: nag, cut down, discourage, and anger. The devoted people will remember me complaining horribly the last time we were here for Thanksgiving. Once every 2 years or more is enough for me. None of this twice a year crap. The woman has already commented several times on Krista being too pale and sickly and me having a big butt and being "meaty". I wear smalls and 3s or 5s in jeans. I have 21% body fat. Im no where near meaty. And yet she continues to hit my butt and go "Boys like big butts. Youre catching up to your mom". Ug. I try to avoid eye contact so maybe she wont know Im here, but so far no luck. Only 6 hours left until we're heading to Miami and then off to Belize!

I did go see Kingdom of Heaven with my cousin Micah and we rocked out to Killers on the way home which was fun while making calling each other fat (to me) and gay (Grandma called him that). In fact, its been the highlight of the trip.

Oh yes, another good thing about today. I got lots of compliments on my hair! Never fails to make me uberly happy!

Two women who I'll soon be working with asked me if I had kids. I said "noooo". They said "Married?" Again "No". Then one said "Well we saw your ring and just assumed you were married". That would be the point of the ring gals! Make people think Im taken and keep those guys away! LOL! I think I have gone through all the good ones at my current location and now only the rejects are coming out of the woodwork. So the big bling bling did its work again. Love the power of jewelry!

Im having a difficult time convincing myself to finish school. After I didnt get hired by Community Services for the Deaf bc my "receptive" skills suck, it seems even more pointless than before. So what Ill have a little paper that says I have an associates degree? Im not using it. It got a letter yesterday saying that my application for graduation failed bc they moved the one freakin class I need back to fall, which is in the next school year, so now I cant even just walk through graduation. Not that I was going to anyway bc graduations are pointless wastes of 3 hours of your life. 3 hours that I could be sleeping or something else equally important. I also got my grade reports back saying that one class I have an incomplete in which Im assuming is bc I didnt do the 2 papers for the class but Im not really sure. So maybe I should call and see.... but its just so hard to convince myself I care! If it were my own money I'd be wasting I would say I dont care. Screw it and just go on and forget my 1 and 3/4 class I have left and my incomplete class. Who gives a damn. The answer though is my parents, and since they are ones who shelled out the 8 grand for me to go to college (yes I go to a very cheap school and the education I got from it shows just how cheap it is apparantly since I am the top 1% of my class and can not get hired for my major) I will finish. But I will not be happy about it!

Its hard to have faith when things dont work out the way you planned. Anyone ever notice how easy it is to be a good Christian or faithful person in general when everything is perfect and working out jsut how you want it? Then when hard times come along it unravels. Usually its the opposite for me. Usually difficult times make me more faithful, but this whole waiting for things to fall into place and trying to get it to the point where it can is suffocating me. It is literally exhausting. I almost wish I was one of those people who need a lot of money cuz at least then I would know I had to work toward something. But Im not. Im content with simple things as long as they are nice and clean. I dont need all the fancy things in life (obviously since Im not getting a house phone (just using my cell) and just using the free 13 channels from the apartments). Im happy just being able to support myself and live comfortably and most importantly the way that I want to to live, and I know that God will always provide for me so I dont have anything to worry about. But timing is crushing me. Guess Im just not good at being patient still. I dont think I ever will. Darn Cancer nature.

Im getting really tired of searching for a job. I know Im probably just a spoiled brat and Im used to getting things thrown at me, but enough is enough. How long does it take for normal people to find jobs? And Ive turned down two. Something inside me says that my standards are too high, but then I think, this is ME here, my standards are not gonna be lowered. I deserve the best I can get and Im not going to be a bus driver, VISA salesperson, or be gone from my house 3 weeks of the month (no offense to the busdrivers, VISA people or those workaholics.... I never rode the bus, my VISA is my worst enemy and nothing that ends in holic has ever brought much joy). So yeah, I cant wait to move but who knows how quickly that will happen since obviously Im not gonna be making a ton of money and I'd like to pay of my 2200 that I owe on my furniture still, but there is no chance that will happen as I am a compulsive spender when its not imperitive that I save my money.

I have to keep reminding myself why Im doing this anyway. In this I mean moving to Dayton. It seems I am the only person in the world who likes Dayton. Its there or Columbus and I loathe Columbus (sorry to you insanely obesse gay smokers who have overrun my city's capital but I dont want to be bombared by all that night and day). I keep reminding myself that everything (other than the job) has fallen into place. The area is exactly where I saw myself living, the apartment is the exact place I saw myself in, and even shit with NOT being able to get hired as an interpreter is turning out to be a blessing. In my heart I obviously didnt want to do it anyway... it was almost a relief when I couldnt pass all the sections of the test (completely due to my school's inability to provide inclusive education). It was like an excuse to NOT HAVE to do my major. Kinda like a rope was cut and I was set free from my burden. Maybe I sabotaged myself, who knows.

But anyway, so much has fallen into place that the job section HAS to! Why else would every other peice fit so perfectly and then I have to drive an hour to work? It wouldnt. So very soon Im going to find a great job that I love and pays at least decent and then I will move and start the next chapter of my life. And you know what, even though its not going to be easy, its going to be great because it is my life and I would never live a life that is anything short of what I had dreamed for myself.