Im getting pretty excited about Christmas now that there are officially 25 days left! YAY!!! Guys I have a confession. My name is Brittney, and Im a Christmas Junkie. Phew I feel better now thats off my chest. But yes, I do have an obsession with Christmas. I dont know what I love more: the Christmas spirit, the joy of finding that perfect gift for someone, or the way the world seems to slow down and work together. Like I was driving home tonight, and people everywhere are starting to put up Christmas lights. And it made me think, only at Christmas do some many people come together and share the same traditions and create some unspoken bond that fades away when the new year comes. Sure not everyone decorates and different people celebrate differently, but for the most part, Christmas brings out magic in the world and sometimes you can practically feel the love in the air.

In other news, I gave Mom my recliner in exchange for a big clock and 80 bucks... thats how things work around this household. The barter system still reigns supreme!

Brandon had a delayed reaction about the not hanging out with him crap. Apparantly it just intreagued him when we talked about it before, but it took a day to sink in and now he is upset with me. But ya know, sometimes life throws you tough choices and no one really wins no matter what the outcome. I feel like we're both gonna get burned when she comes home. I dont see it ending well. All the more reason why I need to get away from this place. Far far away. But I cant help how I feel. I see her and sometimes I actually do see red (didnt know that was possible). And I imagine if our paths cross what I will do and I honestly dont know. Restraining myself as much as I can, I would tense up, clench my fists, and walk away absolutely shaking b/c Im so upset and beat the crap out of something. Not restraining I'd whip out the cross bow I bought Krista and nail her dead between the eyes (my personal preference but that may damage my relationship with Brandon too so unfortunately I think that one is out). So there is that reaction. On the other hand, I picture them together, and its like someone rips my heart out through my nose and even now it is all I can do to not tear up. Some wounds are just too deep to ever really heal.

Brandon, if you read this, just know that seeing you two together takes me back to the worst time of my entire life. That is why I could not be close to you anymore if it happens. I cant go back there. It just hurts so so much. So please understand.

My blog's look sucks but Im so computer illiterate Im liable to burn the house down by copy and pasting HTML to make it look apealing for you people. Actually its boring look is really bugging me. I'm one of those people I gotta be different in everything I do whether its peircing my nails or whatever. So the black and green and tblog store bought header are killing me. So if anyone has any cool HTML codes or a site with codes let me know.

On a different note, I'm finally really getting close to being at peace with the guy situation or lonliness situation or whatever it is thats been bothering me. Sorry to all you people who suffered through reading my pathetic little blogs while I blabbed on and on about the same thing. Hopefully that has passed for a while. I hung out with Brandon again yesterday. Im a person who needs a lot of closure to move on, and I think spending time with him and doing stuff is the closure I need. It helps me to see the true feelings of my heart and how I really feel about him- not just what I manipulate myself into feeling. Brandon, I adore you and you'll always be my most special friend but I think Im ready to let go. For the most part that is. You'll always have that huge piece of my heart, and I'll always come running if you ever need me. And no, it will never be ok with me if you and her get back together. Im sorry but it wont. For all the rest of you who care (I dont know why you would) he asked me last night what would happen if he and Alie got back together. Alie is the girl he got with like 3 days after he broke up with me and then she left him to be with her ex. She is about to be back in town and they are gonna hang out. And I know that as soon as they do the feelings will come back and it will be dejavue all over again. And I cant handle that. He can be with ANYONE! I want him to be happy! Be with ANYONE but her. He doesnt understand how I can feel that way, but I cant help it. The thought of them together makes me feel the same way it did when they first got together. He says its just the same as him with anyone else, but its so not. She is the girl who made him happier than I did. She is the girl who he wanted to be with more than me. She is the girl that he was holding when I wanted him to be holding me. She is the girl I was and still am jealous of. And she is the girl that made him forget me. She is the girl who is better than me. And I dont care how old I am, that will still cut me deeper than anything else. Just thinking about the two of them hanging out makes me sick to my stomach (I actually thought I might get sick when talking to him last night about it). But the idea of him falling for her again and holding her and kissing her and loving her and looking at her the way that used to make me cry b/c the love was just so real... I cant handle it. So... if he chooses her he also chooses not to have me in his life at all. Im sorry if that sounds selfish, but its too much for me to handle. Its like my heart breaking again for no reason... and it would be stupid for me to do that to myself. And it would cause problems with us and hurt him and I cant do that. So, if he wants to be with her... well then... I guess I will just have to find another friend. Sad as it is as he has been so important and special to me since I was 14, but... thats how it has to be. I cant hurt anymore.

Christmas Drama practice was tonight (the dramas are the 3rd, 4th, and 5th so they are really comin up!) and I have finally retired my angel wings to just teach the other girls how to be the angels. You may think this would be very easy, but alas, I am teaching them 3 songs in sign language (that is my major for anyone who doesnt know). It going pretty well. One girl may be the death of me with her uncoordination, but everyone else is doing an amazing job.

During one of the down times when we werent practicing, we started talking about just random stuff, and we somehow got on the topic of how much fun it would be to get ourselves locked into Walmart one day. We quickly realized we have one night to do this (Christmas night) b/c that is the only time Walmart isnt open 24-7. We figured since its only closed one night a year that they wouldnt spend a fortune on lasers on the floors or security guards and there would only be alarms on the doors. We also figured we would just wear masks and no one would be able to tell who we are on camera. So we concocted an entire plan to go to Walmart Christmas day, hide ourselves under all the stuffed animals (no one would think to go through them to look for hiding people) and then come out after everyone is gone. How much fun would it be to have Walmart all to yourselves and do anything you wanted in it? First thing we would do is head for the paintball guns and stage an all out paintball war in the dark in Walmart! I cant think of much else that would top that honestly. Dark figures slinking around... never knowing when someone may pop out from behind the makeup display or fruit stands and shoot you with brightly colored paints. There is no greater joy than the feeling of seeing your color paint splatter across the mask of your friend. *sigh* So then we'd get a bunch of the junk food and blow up some of the air matresses and watch movies and play video games while being goofy and very illegal. We'd roller blade and bike down the aisles. Have cart races. Get the bow and arrows and have Barbie target training. Life could not get sweeter! Oh man, if only I had the balls to actually do it.

I knew there was a reason I was not looking forward to going to Georgia, and as soon as we got there I quickly remembered why. No one is safe from the relentless remarks of my family. Not black people, hispanic people, oriental people, fat people, skinny people, old people, young people, ugly people, pretty people, rich people, poor people, and most of all their family! As soon as we saw Grandma she said "I dont like your hair that way. I dont like red heads" to me, and "I liked your hair better before too. You look too pale" to Krista. Its just all these little things that just add up and make me want to scream my head off at someone. And the prejudice! I can hold my tongue on a lot of things (which is why I rarely said anything the entire 4 days), but when you start being overly prejudice for truly moronic reasons, it is just too much for me. We were on the way to Brian and Frankie's house, and I was already at my breaking point by having to listen to my 7 year old cousin, Leah (who you would think was 3 by the way she acts) blabber on and on in her I-Know-More-Than-You-Do manner and nasaly singing "A day or two ago, I thought I'd take a ride" over and over. I commented that I liked Frankie and Brians neighborhood. The houses were gorgeous and obviously upper class Georgians. Bue Grandma has to say "Its not nice anymore now that those black people have taken over it". And there was just no stopping this tongue. Heres how it went: Looks nice to me. Well you should see it. They've ruined the neighborhood. Im looking at it. It looks nice to me. Well its not. All them black folks living around here. What does it matter? Obviously they are well-educated. Have nice jobs. Are smart. Can afford it, and work hard to live here. They get one of those minority discounts. So? Im sure its not that much that just anyone could live here. (Mom pipes in and says they keep it looking nice) Well they have to! Doesnt matter if they have to. They still do! There are hardly any white folks here anymore. SO!? Cant even put the kids on the school bus anymore cuz all the black kids. Why not? They arent gonna kill you just b/c they are black. And upperclass black people at that! They all wearin those baggy clothes and pants down to their knees. Thats all stupid boys Grandma. Well I know sweetheart. Well how can you hold it against them when white boys do it too? Its different in the South. Its different here than where you live. I grew up in Texas! Thats more southern that Georgia. And there were tons of black and hispanic people there! Didnt change anything for me. Well I know but its just different.

She is like a freakin brick wall. She hears and will even agree with you but then say something completely different. Mom asked if they thought black people wouldnt be in Heaven. Gma and Leah didnt really answer (by the way, throughout the convo Leah was throwing in her pennies worth about no black people around her and black people being loud... which is funny since the girl CAN NOT speak in any tones lower than a yell). I then pointed out that if we're basing who is in Heaven by ethnic group, none of us would be there b/c Jesus was Jewish- not white. And you know Gmas response? Well He sure aint black! *sigh* Some people will just never ever learn.

It was definitely an interesting trip. Oddly enough, it may have been the best we've ever had down there. There was plenty of arguing (thats the only conversation they know) and lots of yelling (I dont think they know how to speak any quieter) but we did have the occasional fun time. I really liked talking to Frankie and Brian for once. And thankfully I managed to avoid Leah for the most part. I love kids... but this girl is the spawn of Satan. I swear. And I learned a very valuable lesson that it is possible to not speak for 4 days straight if need be lol. I also came away with some nice gifts. Mom and I went to Target and I bought this absolutely Heavenly blanket that is brown fur on one side and swede on the other. I would have a love affair with it if possible thats how much I love it lol. Mom bought me a really pretty cutting board that has this grape basket background and she also got me silverwear for Christmas. Frankie and Brian gave me a clock with grapes and wine on it (They have one like it and I had commented that I liked it at their house). I dont know what Gma got me yet (its still wrapped up). And I also bought these really pretty candle holders that were $2 each and purple and burgandy candles to go with it. I have my color sceme for my house finised and now I must strictly stick to that. Everything is perfect except for the blue recliner I have. Im not sure how it is going to go. Mom said she would buy it from me and then I could buy another chair to match my sofa. I think I'll look and see if I find one I like. If not, we'll see how it looks in the house when I move before I decide to sell it or not.

So yeah.... it was an interesting time. Im very glad to be home. With a computer that works! AOL 6.0 Dialup on a 98 Packard Bell computer might as well be otherwise known as suicide b/c I wanted to wring my own neck I was so frustrated with its speed! But alas, I am with my beloved 03 Dell with Cable internet. Life is good again!

Well guys, Im gonna be leaving in about 3 hours (come 3 am) to go to Georgia for Thanksgiving to see my oh so wonderful family down there. There is sarcasm dripping from every word in that sentence. Im not excited in the least. To understand this you need to understand my extended family. As there are absolutely volumes of text that I could write about them, hardly none of it attractive I wont really go into it. Just know they are all crazy, and all very much out to get each other. Going down there is like living in a world of lies told by sweet southern accents, which is the only reason I listen to them. NO ONE says much of anything true down there, and its not like little exagerations, its like huge big lies made up just to make someone else look bad. Mom has 6 brothers and sisters. Pretty much all of whom like to create and spread lies just to see what happens. Someone always gets into some fight, and its really tense, and Mom is definitely not the happiest of camper (which she hasnt been lately either so Im REALLY lookin forward to being around her down there!). The only reason I wanna go is to see 3 of my cousins. I havent seen them in a long time and now they all are 16, so it will be cool to see how they have grown up. But anyway, they dont have a computer there (shows how ghetto it is), at least I dont think they do, so I probably wont be blogging again until Sunday when we get back. Im sure Ill have plenty to write about! Let the insanity begin!!!

Also, I was talking to Rob and he proposed an interesting though. He said that he thinks Im just going through a rough emotional patch, and that Im trying to correct that by thinking back to the time I felt best. That time was with Brandon. So naturally, my mind is linking that time with what will fix me now and telling me that is what I need. Probability rate: I say very possible.

Why does life have to be so stupid? Right now Im just pissed cuz Mom came up here telling me that I've been being snotty to her recently, and I swear to God I have not been. I cant say anything apparantly. God forgive me for having a lot on my mind recently and not really being all fun and games, but I have not been rude and have tried very hard to be the opposite of how I am feeling! Now that thats out, on to better things.

Im feeling slightly better about my body today. Im still not happy with it, and I find myself walking around with my hand on my stomach like Im pregnant (a cover? maybe...), but I dont picture it jutting out like I am 4 months away from holding a baby. I am still gonna try to do some home workouts since dieting obviously cant work. I have to eat practicaly constantly, especially at work to keep my body going. I ate breakfast today and got my hair done. 2 hours after breakfast I went out to lunch with mom and ate a ton for me (it was buffet). That was at noon. By 3:30 Im popping crackers like an addict cuz Im losing the feeling in my legs, when luckily Mom brought me spaggetti. She made enough for two people, but I ate both servings! This thing was huge! And then two peices of garlic bread and some mints and I was still hungry! Its totally not like me. Im kinda a little worried honestly. If it doesnt start changing after Im more rested up and not so stressed, I think Im gonna listen to everyone and get some tests done. I hate the idea of something happening in my body I dont know about... *shudder*

And the other news I was gonna tell you about Sunday and didnt get to: So after that horrible morning at church and the thoughts assaulting me, I actually wasnt in the mood to socialize. I wanted to run (which I couldnt do *note above*) and get out frustration, so I was cleaning and venting to myself, when Brandon came over. I had bugged him so much the weekend before about not seeing me that I think I guilted him into coming over. He'd said he was going to, but I didnt think it would be that early though. So, even with as much as I really wanted to see him, that exact moment wasnt the best. But it turned out to be great. Took me a few minutes to unwind and get into the "Brandon Spirit" that inevitably follows him and possesses me, but I did get into it. And then it was like everything dissapeared. We were goofing around, wrestling, hitting each other with pillows, laughing... and it was the best feeling I've had in a while. But ya know... it still wasnt right. I mean, Im so happy when Im with him, and I still want him to touch me and hold me and make me feel loved, and I want nothing more than to make him happy, but Im not IN LOVE with him anymore. It was just this weird feeling. Im so happy being with him, and it was so easy to get close to him and play with his hair again and I had to catch myself several times from just leaning over and kissing him (becuase I wanted to a lot, but also a lot due to habit) or snuggling with him. But in the back of my mind, no matter how easy and perfect it was to be with him, it was hard to imagine us "being together". ya know? I think I've grown up a lot. I miss stimulating conversations and structure and maturity in a relationship (things Brandon and I lack sometimes). Grant mutated my mind. And I do think that a part of what I feel about the situation is wanting to feel that way about someone again and I cant think of anyone better than Brandon to feel that way about. He IS the most special and dearest person in the world to me and Ive never loved anyone like I did and do love him. And I really desire nothing more than for him to be the one who is my soulmate but I cant help it if we're not meant to be either. But ya know, I trust that if we are, we will get back together in the right timing. Now is just wrong. We would kill each other or little things would add up and we would crumble quickly again. Little things like: we still have issues to work through, the distance, I dont want to force him to come see me, we dont really just sit and talk, our relationship is built more on fun sometimes, the future will change us both and theres a lot of stuff to go through, I dont think he is ready to grow up especially as quickly as I will have to. He would have to have a g/f that seems so much older than him, and I DON'T want to be though of like his mom. And I definitely dont want him to treat me like her. Im afraid of his feelings and how they have changed. Im afraid of being settled for. I'm still so incredibly attracted to him and God knows I wanna kiss him so bad, at least one more time so I can really savor it and remember it, and he does still make my heart jump. And in all honesty I do love him. But... something has changed in me. I cant really pinpoint it, but its true. I feel... like I can accept being only friends now. Being with him Sunday felt like being with my best friend again. And while I do desperately wish that we would fall madly deeply in love with each other and live happily ever after, that sort of thing cant be forced and I would be a fool to try. If it happens it will happen, and we will know. But right now, I want him to be my closest friend, and I want to see him and I want him to come over and watch movies and have fun and stuff. And I want to talk about things and do things together, but mostly, I just want to be around him. Its funny the people who you really become close to. I can not imagine him out of my life. I dont feel for anyone else what I feel for him. Secretly, I hope he is the one, but if he isnt, then I hope that we are always great friends. Dont ever leave, Brandon. I need you here. I love you, babe! I tell you what though, I've never been so comfortable and just in such bliss with anyone like I am with him. I look at ways he makes me feel and things that happened with us that I never dreamed possible, and then look at what my head tells me and logic screams... and its so hard sometimes to tell which one to listen to. In the end though, I tell myself that what we had and felt was amazing before (although I dont know that he felt the same way I did...), but that doesnt mean that it would happen now, and Sunday just helped reinforce that. He didnt do anything wrong! Geez, no, he was great, but now is just not right. May never be. But I still have him around, and I still love him, and he still cares for me and we are still friends... all in all Im very lucky. Bottom line is I both do and do not want to be with him, but right now, I'd rather just be the best of friends.

*Oh, but Brandon..... You DO owe me big time and I DARE you to make this one count! :D *

It is amazing how much prayer is like blogging. I was praying last night before I went to bed, and I really got kinda swept up into it and just started begging for God to help me with all these different aspects of my life, and before I knew it I was crying and all these emotions and feelings and thoughts were just pouring out of me life mad! It was like the most powerful and fastest blog ever because as soon as one thought would come out another would follow, but it was ok, b/c I knew God was there sorting through it so I didnt have to. And he still is. So Im not going to complain about boys or about how lonely I am or how stupid people are tonight. Tonight I'll just leave it at this.

The only thing I will say though is that Im not nearly as strong as I try to tell myself I am, and there is no way I'm ready for a relationship with any guy at this point.

Ok, so the rest of my finals are tonight, and I should be studying for them, but I and everyone else who knows me knows that will never happen. Soooo to make it look like Im doing something that takes some thinking, Im going to do this quiz I just found on someone else's blog. Its really quite sad how much I like these. Sorry to anyone who is bored enough to read this.

-.F I R S T.T H I N G S.F I R S T.-
[my name is]: Brittney Elaine Baber
[in the morning I am]: lazy lazy lazy with a touch of mean and sad
[all I need is]: a hope for the future, God helping me, and Im realizing more and more how much I need love
[love is]: the center of the world/the missing part of my life
[I'm afraid of]: my family dying, falling (not heights), bugs of any kind, never finding love again, not being able to have kids one day, failure
[I dream about]: actual dreams: freaky stuff usually. aspirations: being a successful interpreter, getting a nice home, making good money, falling in love and staying in love, having kids, traveling to Italy and Greece
-.F A V O R I T E S.-
[COLOR]: anything blue
[NUMBER]: 49 (7 is the perfect number, so 7 times 7 must be beyond perfect!)
[SUBJECT:]  Sign Language, Psych and Creative Writing
[CLOTHING BRAND:]   I love anything that comes from Charlotte Russe, Forever 21 or Body Works
[SHOE BRAND:]  Im not big on shoes really

[SPORT TO PLAY:] If I have to choose I'll pick volleyball. OH unless paintball is considered, then its definitely paintball!
[DRINK:] Green Tea 
[ANIMAL:] any baby animals. they can be hyena babies and I'll love em
[HOLIDAY:] Christmas. Its the only holiday where it feels like it lasts an entire month

[FAVORITE LINE FROM A MOVIE:] You had me at blood and semen
[BAND:] currently Breaking Benjamin and the Killers
[MOVIE:] Mulan Rouge, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Muppet Christmas Carol (what? Its classic)
-.H A V E.Y O U.E V E R.-
[pictured your crush naked?]: duh
[actually seen your crush naked]: not completely
[been in love]: more than what most people ever experience
[cried when someone died]: actually no... but no one close to me has ever died
[lied]: what a stupid question
-.W H O.-
[makes you laugh the most?]: my mom
[makes you smile the most]: my mom and steve
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: Steve, Brandon, Adam (all for different reasons)
[has a crush on you?]: I doubt if anyone really does honestly
[easiest to talk to]: STeve, Josh, and Val
-D O.Y O U.E V E R.-
[sit on the Internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. you?]: ug yes
[save aol/aim conversations]: oh yeah but usually I have to delete them all (hehehehe)
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: only when Im having my period or any other time I have excessive emotions or just feeling in general
[cry because of someone saying something to you]: I was doing so well, but I did cry a little Saturday actually
-.H A V E.Y O U.E V E R.-
[fallen for your best friend]: yep dang it, thems the worst
[been rejected]: yep, lately actually
[rejected someone]: yep
[used someone]: oh probably even though I dont do it intentionally

[been cheated on]: I think it is safe to say yes
[done something you regret]: God... um... all of the last year.. if I could have anything it would be to do last year over again
-.W H O.W A S.T H E.L A S T.P E R S O N.-
[you talked to on the phone]: Steve saying I still wanted to hang out
[hugged]: I hugged mom goodnight last night
[you instant messaged]: Val
[you laughed with]: my mom and sister (krista said her blanket was trying to "smuggle" her rather than "smother" and we got a really funny visual of a blanket pulling her down the stairs while she was sleeping lol)
-.D O.Y O U / A R E.Y O U.-
[smoke cigarettes]: never
[obsessive]:  very about certain things
[could you live without the computer?]: probably not. my social life would be severely cut
[how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: 29
[what's your favorite food?]: anything italian or chicken and creamy mushroom sauce
[what’s your favorite fruit?]: orange or pear
[drink alcohol?]: only occasionally and never enough to get drunk or impaired
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: i like seeing them but im not patient enough to actually watch one the entire time although i've driven through several
[what hurts the most?]: oh geez... lets see... loving someone more than anything and wanting to make them happy and knowing that they feel for someone else and that person makes them happier than you can... knowing that stupid mistakes you made helped cause the destruction of one of the most precious things in the world to you... wanting to hold someone and kiss them and run your hands through their hair and tell them how much you love them and not being able to... having your dreams crushed... yeah those hurt a little
[trust others way too easily?]: definitely not
-.N U M B E R.-
[of times I have had my heart broken? ]: once
[of hearts I have broken?]: two
[of continents I have lived in?]: one
[of drugs taken illegally?]: none
[of tight friends?]: three probably
[of CDs that I own?]: 92 that I have actually bought that are in my cd stand... about 25 or so that other people have burned for me
[of scars on my body ?]: 6. 4 of those are on my right arm
[of things in my past that I regret?]: 4 big ones. one of those is basically most of last year
-.P I C K.O N E.-
[Marry perfect friend or perfect lover]: a mixture of both. sex wont keep you together. but you have to love the friend or that wont keep you together either
[Cats or Dogs:] dog
[1 pillow or 2 ] 2
[W/ or w/o ice cubes: ] without
[Top or bottom :] both
[Winter/spring/summer/fal l:] spring
[Night or day:] night
[Gloves or mittens:] gloves
[Dressed or undressed:] undressed! i love walking around in my bra and panties. cant wait till i can move! hard to do it when you live with 3 people
[Bunk or water bed:] if i have to choose im going with bunk.
[MTV or VH1: ] I dont watch either. Launch.com is pretty cool though.
[Ocean or pool:] Ocean. Pools are like fishtanks for people. You swim and swim and get no where. Just around and around.
[Showers or baths:] Showers usually, but sometimes a long bubble bath really does the trick
[Love or lust:] Who would choose lust? With love you get the lust stuff anyway, and its so much better. Love is just the best thing in the entire world.
[Silver or gold:]  Silver. Everything silver!!!!
[Diamonds or pearls:] I cant even stress how much I love diamonds!
-.I F.Y O U.C O U L D.-
[Move anywhere:] Dayton is where I really wanna move. Im also looking at Columbus unfortunatly now. I'd really like to go to Italy though or have a house there.
[Meet one famous person:] Gerard Butler, and then I would turn on the charm and get him to fall in love with me and whisk me away and have beautiful babies.... hmmm got me thinking now buddy!
[Live with one person the rest of your life:] whenever I think I know I get horribly shafted so I give up on assuming who it will be.
[Name one thing you love:] Lipgloss and catalogs. I love love love LOVE catalogs and different cute little lipgoss thingies! Yep I went total girl on ya there.
[Name one thing that embarrasses you:]  doing something stupid... like today for example. I was walking next to a car and my purse strap got stuck on the rear view mirror... so I was walking real cool when all the sudden STOP! Kinda knocked me backwards. Yeah... I felt hot.
[Do you like school?] I love the people there (for the most part) and I will definitely miss the social aspect, but the actual school part... no not really. I think its pointless and usually skip it.
[Do you think in the shower?] Yeah... I think a lot... or sometimes I like to make up scenarios.... (and guys' ears perk up!)
[What's on your ceiling?] whatever ceiling is made out of in the shape of fish gills (yeah ewwww)
[What's the hardest thing about growing up?] all of it. Relationships and just getting your life together. The life together part was pretty easy for me, but I know others its not. The love part is the one killing me. Just learning to be responsible and to be self sufficient and stuff are kinda rough too. One of the biggest things is learning to move on and not be afraid.
[Do you like to dance?] Id like to take dance classes
[Do you sing in the shower] not usually. sound carries

Two Random Thoughts:

1) I am very good at selective remembering, and

2) If I could take back anything, I would go back to about a year ago and do it all over again. For one, to try and change the way things ended up, and two, if nothing else, to relive it again. I would memorize every single detail and treasure and savor everything more. Im starting to forget.... I never ever want to forget. I cant forget...

Well today was pretty interesting for two reasons. First, I passed out at work... yeah... that was wonderful. And two, Abby's party. Ok, about the passing out thing... Im not really sure what happened. I woke up late today (half an hour after I was supposed to be at work), so I was rushing around, and just grabbed a granola bar for breakfast. So I went to work, got there around 11, and everthing was fine... and around 1 I started to get kinda slower and my brain was getting confused, so I was about to ask if I could get some lunch, when all the sudden I got really heavy and hot and everything started to go out of focus. I had just enough time to tell Terra (the pharmacist) that I needed to sit down, when I passed out. It was weird though, b/c usually I can feel it coming on. I didnt until it was right on me. It wasnt even 30 seconds before I was out. And weirder, was that I ate. But I think what it was, was that the granola I ate was part Butterfinger Bar, so I ate too much sugar on an empty stomach, so I was ok for a little bit, but then I bottomed out real fast, and was just gone! Terra said I didnt go limp though, but tightened up (she said my arms and legs locked up) so she thought I was having a seisure at first. She said I fell over the trashcan and bounced my head into Trina and then bounced the other side of my face into the drawers where we keep the vials. So I've got a cut ear and a nasty bump on my head, my eyebrow has some cuts on it as does my cheek and my neck, and I bloodied my nose. Yeah it was a wonderful day at work. Poor girls working with me. I scared them to death. So now I have had plenty of lectures and I have to eat Flinstones chewable vitamins everyday (cuz other kinds upset my stomach too much) and be watched about my eating habits or else I have to go get tested at the hospital, and I can tell ya right now thats not gonna happen! So then they let me leave around 3 to go home and go to sleep, cuz I just wasnt (and still not) worth much.

Then I woke up around 4:30 got ready and went to meet Abby and Megan and followed them to the house the party was at. It was freakin hilarious man! It ended up being an "Adult Toy Party"!! LOL! Way too funny! I so wish I had someone I could use all that stuff on! I cant wait until my bachelorette party! Im not too keen on vibrators and dildos (although they did make for rousing conversation) but all the flavored oils and handcuffs and stuff like that definitely would be fun! I wanted to buy this lotion stuff that is used either as a lubricant or as lotion. Course I would use it as lotion for now, but it smelled and tasted like peaches and cream! So good! The rep said that if you put it on after you shower, when you sweat it gives this faint peaches and cream smell instead of sweat! There was this sample pack of flavored lubes I thought about getting, but odds are they will expire by the time I would get to use them, so I passed. There will always be sex toys. But I bought some pretty cool shaving cream that doubles as conditioner. But we had a lot of fun. Lots of laughing, and I really like hanging out with Megan and Abby. I had an Amaretto Sour which was really good too. Much better than wine coolers. Ug. I know... just what I should have been drinking after passing out. But oh well. Im alive, and Amaretto wont do anything to anyone I dont think. But all in all it was a pretty good day. Could have been better, and my face is in massive pain, but it was good nonetheless.

I honestly think I have a condition where I NEED to have love and affection (from someone other than family). Is it possible to have an actual medical or mental condition where you need to have someone important to you caring about you and if you cant have them you crave any attention you can get? Cuz if there is I have it! And I dont like it! Normally, I am not that much of a people person. There are special occasions I like to be around them, but for the most part I would rather be alone. Correction- I would rather be with one person I really care about and spend quality talking/cuddling/kissing etc time with them. I've found in the past couple months or weeks or whatever that I hate being alone. In fact... Im really quite a failure at it. I've gotten to where I'm not happy unless I am with people and being included and wanted. I know that having a boyfriend doesnt actually make me a complete person, but in a way it really does. I dont feel whole unless I have someone to love and care about who cares about me. It just doesnt feel right to be alone. I feel like something is missing. It is like this overwhelming factor in my life and its completely empty right now with no prospects for being filled anytime soon. Thats why I think I dont mind going to work (its socialization) and every spare minute I can hang out with people I am. This happened when Brandon and I first broke up. I was at Lonnie's or Sean's a lot mostly just b/c I couldnt stand being alone and I needed to be a part of something. I think that is happening again from some reason.

A lot of fun stuff has happened lately though. I love being included. Somehow I got to be one of the ringleaders for the programs most sought after clique... dont ask me how it happened! But all the sudden I'm invited to all this stuff and everyone wants to sit with me and do stuff with me... and its weird! But I really like it too...the power is going to my head lol. Last night after the Veterans Day program 11 of us went out to eat at Tumbleweed and we just had the BEST time! There were 3 deaf people there so we signed throughout the entire meal, and we were there for over 2 hours. Actually we got kicked out cuz it was 11:15 and they closed at 10! oops!! I had a lot of fun goofin around with Matt (Jai Ann's son). He is Deaf by the way, but he's really good at reading lips and he never signs back to me, but Jai says he likes it when people sign to him (just easier for him to understand). We carried on and flirted and just had a wonderful time. Yes, I've still got some ability to flirt! YAY! Even though Im not interested, it still just made my whole entire day (and today still) so much more fun and easier to handle. Tomorrow Im cancelling sign class and going to Abby's party. It starts at 6 so I have to leave work early around 5 to meet Abby, but thats ok, I deserve to do something fun. I think Megan and Jai Ann are gonna come. I love Jai... she's awesome. Definitely my favorite teacher (sorry Fred... youve been demoted). It's funny how much we all love her. I just feel so close to her for some reason. It's really nice. But I'll definitely tell you about Abby's party... sounds like a blast! Then Thursday, me, Abby and Jai think we need to have another dinner celebration in honor of finishing finals. So we're gonna try to get a group together and go somewhere. Matt suggests Applebees or Buffalo Wild Wings and then his house. We'll see what goes down. Finals will end around 9 probably... so we'll be late. Friday unfortunately I gotta work until 9, but Saturday Im supposed to still be going to visit Josh and his roommates! God let some be cute!!! That would really blow if they were all disgusting. I'd still have fun with Josh but still... Im not gonna flirt with Josh, thats just weird. Then Brandon may be coming over Sunday or we'll go do something. Im not gonna plan on it happening though... cuz it always just gets my hopes up and then they crash again... I should be used to it by now. He says he wants to be my best guy friend ever. I dont know about that. I love him and I love being with him, but maybe I love him too much. I just dont know. I want to hang out with him of course and spend as much time with him as possible, I just dont know how easy it will be for me to accept the idea of him only being this wonderful friend when I wanted him to be my husband... its gonna take some serious adjusting. But being around him will be good. It will help me realize what I really feel or help me see that we're either not meant for each other or that its worth fighting and waiting for. We will just have to see. But Im excited to be around him again. I miss him a lot. Well Im make sure to keep you updated on the happenings! Now its to bed!

I have this overwhelming sadness today, and I dont know where it is coming from. Do you ever have those days? Where life should be wonderful but all you feel like doing is crawling under a rock and dying? Thats pretty much how I feel today. The past couple days Ive just been really mad, but today... all I feel is this horrible throbbing sadness. My heart feels as if a ball and chain is tied to it and it is dragging across the dirty floor. I feel like I am lying when I try to smile, but I dont know why, which just makes it worse. I bought Breaking Benjamin's newest CD a few days ago, and I was driving today, and realized that the last song on it expresses the exact feelings I have right now. It is such a sad and haunting song and yet, in a way, sweet. It also helps that they usually sing more angrier music, so it fits me just perfect. A normally moderately angry person who is feeling this sadness that seems to sum my life up and draw the CD to a conclusion. If you havent heard it you should listen to it... the feeling it gives off is all I know right now multipied for every second of this miserable day. Heres the words (its ironic it is actually raining today also):

Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,
I don't have a past
I just have a chance, (I try to tell myself that)
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around (especially true!)
Safe to say from here,
Your getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be (I feel like Im not allowed to be)

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.
Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

(And here is the part that rips my heart and watches it slowly fade from existance every time)

To lie here under you is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all...

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.
Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

*sigh* someone shoot me

I wish I had more talent in this sort of thing, but this is basically how I feel right now.

A beaten heart throbs with sorrow and pain
Departure well impacted on the mind's eye
An eye that always feels and never lets forget
Bondage is my plea for escape would be perdition
Glance pierces soul- draining crimson life
Presence overwhelmes- suffocating hearts
The Void has more depth than my very being
Beauty is fatal- creating and destroying
An illusion of masked darkness and loving hatred
For beauty will bring, but never possess
The Darkness holds- black hands carressing my body
Corrupting the soul, destroying future hopes
I am not enough. I just am.
I hate and love the Void.
I breathe it, dream it, live it, create it
The Void is my very essence

This wave of sadness just hit me and I dont know why, but it felt like a wall of depression just barreled me over. I dont have any reason to be sad. I had a really great day today, and up until just about 3 minutes ago I was having one of the best days I've had in a while. Church was good today, and Brandon was late so he got stuck sitting with us, which I think he probably got the raw deal out of everyone (cuz he got stuck with me but I enjoyed having him sit with us again... its been a while). Then Josh was in town to see the high school musical (yes, our town is that small it IS that big of a deal that someone would leave college to see it... sad I know), and I didnt have anything to do, so he came over for a while and we went out to eat. It was so nice catching up and just talking. I love having a really good friend who is a guy. Sometimes a girl just really needs a guy around. And right now, I need a great big hug from one! But after we ate we had some time before the musical so we went to Walmart. I got Yellowcard and Breaking Benjamin CDs which are both excellent from what I have heard of them. Then we met up again at the musical and sat with James (Brandon's roommate) and his girlfriend, Erin, and Scott (the boy who has been chasing my little sister for like 2 years now). It was pretty good. One of the better high school musicals I've seen. It just loses something when you dont know many of the people in it. I only knew a couple seniors and juniors, but not well as they were only sophomores and freshman the last time I was in school and- not to sound snobbish- but I didnt hang out with many underclassmen. So something was definitely lost for me. But Josh and I had fun. We ended up talking through half of it anyway, usually about stuff that had nothing to do with West Side Story (the musical). Its really great to hang out with Josh and I love talking to him and I dont think I could be more comfortable with many other people or get along better with them... but while it made me really happy spending time with him again, it also made me kind of sad too. I would occasionally see James and Erin cuddled up... and it almost made my heart throb. There is just something so nice about having a guy put his arm around you or being able to lay your head on a his shoulder or play with his hair and I miss it. Its hard to explain. But is so fullfilling. I'm so thankful that I have a guy like Josh who I can hang out with and talk to and I know he would always be there for me no matter what, but it doesnt fill the void I have of wanting a guy to be there for me and care about me. I'm just so bad at being single. I never have been really since I was 15. I dont like it. Course I hate being with someone I dont really want to be with too so it looks like Im stuck right where I am for a very long time *sob*. Anyway, its nice hanging out with people I went to school with again. Seems forever ago even though it is only 2 years or so ago. I had lunch with Tiff Saturday. I forgot how great it is to gossip and talk about all that stuff that I only talk about with Tiff although I dont have many stories anymore cuz my life is BORING! We have such a weird relationship lol.  When I was talking to Josh on the phone last night, Alex, one of his 6 roommates somehow gained possession of the phone and I ended up talking to him for like half an hour, which was actually a lot of fun. Enough to convince me I am in serious need of being fawned over by a bunch of guys! So Saturday (if Josh doesnt have a date) Im going to go hang out with all of them after work. If Saturday doesnt work out then Im going Sunday. It will be fun to be the center of attention again. And when is hanging out with 7 guys not fun??? Alright Im not so sad anymore. Still a little, but the idea of hanging out with 7 guys is perking me up. Thank God for Josh! Time to remember how to flirt.... I hope at least ONE of them is attractive!

I think I just had an epiphany but I'm trying to avoid its truth. I was just sitting with Jennifer (the girl I interpret for) in Study Hall, very bored as she was mad at me and actually doing her homework, so I started just writing things that popped into my head. Some were things I might want to ask Brandon one day. And then I wrote a statement that I have thought numerous times before, but for some reason it really struck me like a brick in the stomach today. It is the realization that we can never be together becuase he wasnt as happy as I was (he wouldnt have left if he was) and that he was happier with someone else. It took him only a few days to completely move on, whereas... I dont think I have completely. Therefore, if we were to ever get back together, I would always know he would rather be with someone else and he would just be settling for me. If I loved him even half as much as I did before, the knowledge that his heart would never fully be with me would tear me to pieces. Even if it was just a little bit not with me it would hurt. I dont want someone to settle for me. I want the person Im with to not be able to live without me. How would you be happy if you dont feel that way? Of course I would pretend like nothing was bothering me, but eventually it would get to me right? And then nothing good could come. I can feel my head telling my heart that it may not be that way. That you can start anew. That things would be different, but I just dont know. I find that I dont say everything I could to him sometimes becuase I want his feelings to be eased or I dont want to upset him or lose him. This is a stupid reference, but I'm using it anyway. With Grant I could say anything. We talked about everything, and I loved that. I think it was the aspect I loved most about our relationship. And that is something Brandon and I lack in. Oh we talk all the time. Sometimes being very honest, but its like there is still this sort of communication wall up or something. All the more proving now would not be feasable to think about anything happening. If nothing else, my incessant paranoia would get to me. I know it would to some extent. He flat out told me he was happier and it felt more "right" with her, so how could he ever even think about being with me again? If he wasnt happy before he wont be again. And I do NOT want to be settled for. I deserve better than that. Ok, If eel better now that thats all out. Trust me, I could write on and on working through this mat of tangled brain stems but I'll save that for some other time. It is good getting through it though.

Andrea was over at my house for a while today, we were talking about her situation and stuff and she said something that kinda hit my heart. It wasnt anything I hadnt thought about, but for some reason, coming from someone else's mouth it just sounded so much more powerful. She was talking about the guy she is dating and how great he is and how he treats her so wonderful and is very affectionate and just makes her feel deserving and cared about... but she said that she didnt want to fall for him because of how he treats her, but for how much she loves HIM. Does that make sense? It did to me. Im tired, so excuse me if its not coming out as eloquently as I would have liked. But anyway... it really hit me coming from someone else. I had thought about that myself- how I dont want to be back with Brandon b/c of how it WAS or because I miss the way I felt or I miss the things he did. I want to be back with him because of who he is NOW and how he makes me feel. Just an interesting thought. So it just further convinced me that I need to spend a lot more time with him before I go jumping to any conclusions about what I do or do not feel. Theres just so much to work out and no time and no energy... why do relationships have to be so hard?

OK today has been the one of the most frustrating days I can remember having! Nothing went right! I tell you what, I go to the most ghetto college! I have two quarters until I graduate. I dont have time for this crap! The DSI program advisor is such a moron! I like her, and I think she is a good person, but as for being organized and having the authority over an entire program and people's future- NO WAY should she be anywhere near the advisor's position! The whole entire time I've been in the program she's told me and everyone else one thing and then changes it the next time we see her and its infuriating! She's made me take classes that were supposedly interchangeable with each other and it turns out THEY'RE NOT!!!! My DARS report is all screwed up b/c she hasnt turned in any of the subsitute lists to the main office, so they dont know which classes count for which. Apparantly I've taken extra classes becuase she told me they were good for other classes and they turned out not being! Now I have to take extra classes that arent even OFFERED HERE ANYMORE!!! So I tried taking Independent Study at Athens and Lancaster branches and they all told me different things and I think I was transfered about 20 times and left dozens of pointless messages! Ended up being told that they have changed their policy to where I will have to be labeled at a "Special Project" which means I will have to pay about $600 extra dollars so that the teacher can make up an entire course around me. They will then make me my very own class number which I will have to send in enrollment forms for (rediculous if you ask me) and go through admissions again to take (since its at a different campus)... all of this just so the teacher can email me 4 assignments and a test! What bull s*%$! Yeah Im just a little ticked! The only other thing I could do is drive to Athens and take their Wednesday night class from 4-9... but thats almost 2 hours away! And it will be snowing and nasty winter quarter! And I hate driving in the snow enough as it is! So thats not happening. So Im waiting until spring quarter and maybe I will get lucky and they will add it in Chillicothe (where I go). If not, well... at least my drive to Athens will be nicer! Then again, maybe I'll get even luckier and die! I take that back God!

Anybody else absolutely HATE school!?!?!?!?! Anyone else' teacher as big of a moron as mine and screw up their education!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? !

Today was pretty interesting. It was the first time since the breakup over 5 months ago that Brandon has just kinda hung out at my house with me. It wasnt for very long, but at least it was something and I didnt think it was weird at all! I was online after I got back from interpreting in Chillicothe and he got on and said he had something funny to show me so I bugged him about wanting to see, so he came over for a little bit. By the way, it was a little cat or lion mask he got for a dollar at cvs which he looked very cute in lol. But he came over, and I gave him his House of Tsang Bangkok Padang Peanut Sauce and we tested it. It was um.. different. I didnt think it was that bad, but Brandon didnt take too well to it haha. It was peanuty and then got spicy and peanuty again and spicy... even the dog didnt like it. He licked his doggy lips for like 5 minutes after he tried it! But then Mom came home and we just sat around and talked for a little bit, and then he had to leave and go to Walmart and Radioshack. But it was just so nice to hang out with him again! I mean, it wasnt uncomfortable at all! And he still has the same effect he used to have on me: I just come away so darn happy! My entire day was made by the 15 minutes he was at my house. And yes, I must admit that there were several times when I thought about how nice it would be to kiss him, but of course I didnt do anything and thought much better of it. I cant help but want to a little, ya know. But overall it was just SO GREAT to be able to be alone and hang out and laugh and carry on like we used to. Im really glad that we could overcome all that breakup crap and be friends again. I hope we get a lot closer again and we get to hang out more. Who knows what the future holds, but as long as we are friends I am happy!

PS- his new name is Cinnamon Rosehips. Rosehips for short! lol

Ok Im just incredibly bored so skip this unless you really want to read useless facts about me.

A is for - Age: 19 but it feels older
B is for - Boyfriend: none *sniffle*
C is for - Career in future: Educational Interpreter (sign language) and possibly I may look into certification to be a massuese... wouldnt that be an added perk for whoever I end up with
D is for - Dead person you would like to meet: Id rather them stay dead
E is for - Essential item: gotta hav e my lip gloss and a computer with high speed internet access 
F is for - Favorite show of the moment: "Lost" is a must see! "Wife Swap" and "Complete Savages" are good too
G is for - Guys you've kissed: 13 (gotta love kissin!)
H is for - Hometown: I think I've lived in good old Washington Court House long enough its officially my hometown now
I is for - Instruments you play: played clarinet in 6th and 7th grade and used to tinker at the piano
J is for - Job title: Substitute Educational Interpreter and also Pharmacist Assistant
L is for - Living place: with Mom, Dad, sister Krista, dog Dusty, and a nameless cat 
M is for - Memory of the day: I'd say it would have to be Brandon sitting on my counter, hiding in the corner with his $1 cat mask and sunglasses waiting to startle my mom
N is for - Number of people you've had sex with: I dont think this even needs to be addressed
O is for - Overnight hospital stays: none... oh except for that one time when I was BORN
P is for - Phobias: being alone, falling (not flying- falling), having my blood drawn, speaking in public, not succeeding
Q is for - Quote you like: "Good friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard"
R is for - Relationships: apparantly Im not good at them anymore. Want one... but not gonna happen anytime soon.
S is for - Song you like right now: "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers, "Champagne High" by Sister Hazel and "Running From Your Dad" by Bowling For Soup
T is for - Time you wake up every day: 6:15 if Im interepreting, 8 for school, 8:30 for church, and 10 if I dont have to do anything
U is for - Unique traits: my right side is bigger than my left 
V is for - Vegetable you love: Broccoli!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!
W is for - Worst habit: biting my nails, compulsive spending, pushing the snooze button for over an hour
X is for - X-rays you've had: I think I had x-rays when I was living in Maryland (somwhere between the ages of 3 and 6) and recently got teeth x rayed cuz they want to take my wisdom teeth in december! AAAAAHHHH!
Y is for - Yummy food: Chicken and creamy mushroom sauce, homemade chicken noodle soup, and anything Italian&nbs p;
Z is for - Zodiac sign: Cancer