Today is gonna be a good day! I can tell! Dunno what is gonna happen, but something good will

Anyone else absolutely LOVE this song? The Killers are nothing short of awesome!

It is weird how incredibly ironic life can be sometimes. Its also very weird how you can click with certain people. Thanks to my ex and a chain of small events I stumbled upon someone new in a very unexpected place. I dont know what is going to come about. When do we ever? But even if we meet and there isnt any chemistry it is still very reassuring that there are nice guys out there who are compatible with me and that I am fully capable for feeling something for a guy again. Secretly I am praying that there is chemistry there. But that is all in God's will I suppose. But I am really looking forward to meeting him which is definitely something new for me. Kinda freaks me out in a way just cuz I havent been excited about someone in a long time, but usually anything good does freak me out at first. So we shall see....!

I really dont have much to comment on. Christmas was wonderful. Wanna know what I got? Alright, since you insist. Gosh, youre so nosey sometimes hehe. I got a wide assortment of candles and bath sets and pjs from random people at work and such. My sister got me the DVD of Cats and a leaning tower of piza herb bottle (b/c I collect Italian stuff). My parents got me an 8 person placesetting that I had picked out along with antiquish silverwear, coasters, and a cutting board that all go along with my Italian theme I've got going on. I also go an Italian pride book. A long mantle candleholder, a hanging candle holder, a four foot tall plant holder (very Tuscanyish... yes I know thats not a real word thank you), a perfume puff, lotion, and an angry bluebird cup which is just the cutest thing in the world. Its a real picture of this cute bird scowling. Reminds me of me hehe. Everyone loved the presents I got for them too. I think I really scored big this year. Now I gotta do better next year. Ug. Power is finally on for most of Court House. Things are kinda getting back to normal. I went shopping today for some candles to fit in my candleholders and I ended up with all this stuff! I've always wanted a nice hourglass, and I found one that was originally 75 bucks for 17.25 so of course I couldnt pass that up. And I finally decided on how to do my bedroom when I move: reds and chocolates. Really dark cherry furniture and red walls and red accents. Kinda like an India feel. So I bought my first vase to go in there YAY (half off)! I also bought a huge swede photo album that I tore apart so that now I can make collages on every page instead of sticking pictures in there. Im feeling a creative streak coming on again!!! Tomorrow Im having a veg out day (finally!). I rented two movies, I plan on staying in my pajamas, and spending the day lounging around for once. My grandpa is having surgery tomorrow on an artery in his neck. Its not a very difficult surgery, but any surgery on an 87 year old man could be fatal. And even though we arent really close at all, I still worry about him a little. So Dad took the day off to be with Grandpa and Grandma. Mom and Krista will be gone too, so it will just be me *sigh of relief*. So anyone wants to talk to me I should be online most of tomorrow! Well I guess its today now.

And finally, I wanna say hey to Steve! I was shunned last night! You never got back on!!! I missed ya! So now you gotta get on today! Do you feel special? Theres a whole 3 lines about you in my blog! AWWWWW!

I finally got into the Christmas Spirit today. I went in to work and everyone was really upset with last minute shopping, the ice storm, and about half the town has yet to get their power back. Many people are staying in hotels, which I think would absolutely ruin Christmas. Part of the greatness is being home with family. Not stuck in a hotel. But I cant blame them. Luckily our house does have power. But anyway, I was determined that even if I wasnt in the Christmas spirit I was going to make someone else happy. So I had a smile on my face, greeted everyone, talked and sympathized with people, and said many a heartfelt Merry Christmas. And by the end of the workday I was really happy! I wanted to bring a smile to everyone! And then on the way to chruch, I saw a sight that was absolutely stunning. I rounded the corner and there it was. The sun was setting and the light hit the ice just right to completely illuminate it. The trees were weighed down by the weight of the ice and so were drapped over the road, making this canopy of shining icicles. It was absolutely beatiful. It looked like a picture straight out of Narnia during the Queen's rule. I wished I had my camera! Then at church I had another blessing. It was expected only 75 people would come due the the weather. Over 200 came! And for the first time ever we ran out of communion! They had to make more! usually my church has 500- 600 people a Sunday. But I tell you what, the 200 people tonight sang so much louder and more powerful than all of us on Sunday morning. I was truly touched. God was there and you could just feel his presence on everything. I hope that everyone remembers the true reason for Christmas. Jesus coming to later die on the cross for us so that we may live. The blessings I recieved tonight were more than anything I will get tomorrow I think. I thank God for Christmas and for Jesus.

And to all of you, have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

Holy Crap! This quiz is huge! But this is for any of you who want to get to know me better. Now you can stop askin these questions! Obiviously it is not finished yet.... but it will be soon!

What is your full name?:  Brittney Elaine Baber
Are you named after anyone?: a catalog

What's your screen name?: (yahoo) brittsunshine49 (icq) lashasa palulu (myspace) brittsunshine (aim) freckles4905
Would you name a child of yours after you?: never

Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: Its apparantly hard to see there is only one R in Baber. People always say Barber. Or they say it with a short a when its really a long a.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: No but I'd probably have to change it. Its not that flashy.

Basics

Your gender: Let me check... definitely a girl

Straight/Gay/Bi: definitely straight (although there are a lot of guys who make me close to considering girls lol)
Single?: very, unfortunately
Birthdate: 7-15-0985
Your age: 19
Age you act: depends on the situtation. I usually act much older maturity wise, but i can be very goofy sometimes too. I like to have fun and do stupid things.
Age you wish you were: at least 25
Your height:: 5'3" im tiny
Eye color: a freakish shade of grey and green with a dark rim
Happy with it?: it would be cool they were bright blue
Hair color: naturally? not really sure. right now its kinda a reddish brownish color but will change soon
Happy with it?: will change soon...

Your living arrangement: with my mom dad and sister
Your family: mom dad and sister (15)
Have any pets?: a dog and a cat, but im hoping to get another dog for me springtime
Whats your job?:  im a substitute sign language interpreter for Hopewell SERRC and I also work as a pharmacist assistant at CVS
Piercings?: had my ears and cartlidge pierced but they closed up
Tattoos?: one on my hip. id like to get another one on my back though. just finding the perfect thing
Obsessions?: lipgloss, catalogs, guys, my job
Do you speak another language?: sign language and a little spanish

Have a favorite quote?: (from a movie) you had me at blood and semen (from myself) its the other people in the world that make me wonder why there are other people in the world (from friends) friends are like condoms. They protect you when things get hard.

Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it

Do you live in the moment?: I live for the future
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: to a certain extent
Do you have any secrets?: no one knows them all, but between everyone I dont think I have any left
Do you hate yourself?: i have my moments
Do you like your handwriting?: when im not in a hurry
Do you have any bad habits?: i bite my nails. i also tend to chop people up and hide the pieces throughout my house.... just kidding! or am i?????

What is the compliment you get from most people?: honestly? i feel vain just saying it cuz i dont think its true, but usually im told im hot. also that im a good kisser, but i know that is true lol. and that im a good interpreter.

If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: how do deal (even though my life isnt that bad but I write about dealing a lot)
What's your biggest fear?: failing, falling (not flying- falling), someone I love dying, not being able to have a baby, not loving again
Can you sing?: sure
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: thats stupid

What are your #1 priority: graduating and getting a job and moving
Are you a daredevil?: depends....
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: i make the same mistake over and over. I get jealous easily. I anger quickly. I hate that I cant make myself feel a certain way (but no one can)
Are you passive or agressive?: usually more agressive
Do you have a journal?: this thing
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: strength: always see a way out/the bright side. Very future oriented. Very giving. Weakness: gotta learn to die to self more. But eartly pleasures are soooooo tempting!!!

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be: Make myself a stronger person. Everyone thinks Im really strong, but deep inside Im not. Also, Id be more forgiving (although Im getting pretty good at that and not always liking it either)
Do you think you are emotionally strong? for the most part except for certain areas
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: all sex related i regret
Do you think life has been good so far?: its had its ups and down and now is more of a down, but overall I should not be complaining. God is good.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: That God is always there and always loving, forgiving, and providing. Even with everyone else leaves you and your world is turned upside down and you cant think straight... God had a plan and will follow through
What do you like the most about your body?: it changes. I really like my eyes and my stomach
And least?: My butt and ears
Do you think you are good looking?: yes. I dont think Im exceptionally special, but I'd say better looking than the majority
Are you confident?: sometimes too much.
What is the fictional character you are most like?: my sister says im like either lancelot from king arthur or megara from hercules
Are you perceived wrongly?: usually very if its from people my own age. Im sometimes percieved as "cold" but I jsut really dont want to deal in stupid stuff anymore so I just stay away
Do You...

Smoke?: never
Do drugs?: never
Read the newspaper?: never
Pray?: several times a day
Go to church?: seems like all the time
Talk to strangers who IM you?: on myspace i talk to all sorts of strangers. on messenger i never do
Sleep with stuffed animals?: only when im feeling lonely
Take walks in the rain?: i used to love doing that in texas, but the rains here are pretty cold
Talk to people even though you dislike them? yeah. i try not to, but when they are around it would be rude and unchristian not to. so im polite. I just try to stay away though.
Drive?: id die if i couldnt
Like to drive fast?: only when i know i wont get caught

Would or Have You Ever?

Liked your voice?: i hate my voice on the phone. i sound like a 3 year old. sometimes my singing voice is good
Hurt yourself?: emotionally i seem to all the time but never physically
Been out of the country?: we took a cruise to the bahamas last spring!
Eaten something that made other people sick?: my sister makes little nasty conconctions from left over food. we've eaten it a couple times.
Been in love?: sure have
Done drugs?: never
Gone skinny dipping?: want to some day
Had a medical emergency?: ive had 106 degree fever and i tend to pass out easily
Had surgery?: thank goodness no
Ran away from home?: no i love my family
Played strip poker?: played strip blackjack. much faster than poker.
Gotten beaten up?: no
Beaten someone up?: no
Been picked on?: my family loves to pick on me
Been on stage?: i just was tonight and will be tomorrow
Slept outdoors?: best place to sleep!
Thought about suicide?: weird question. I've thought it may be better to die than continue, and I've wondered why anyone would want to stay here when Heaven is waiting. But never seriously considered it.
Pulled an all nighter?: lock ins are awesome
If yes, what is your record?: dunno
Gone one day without food?: i used to do the 35 hour famine every year but im not allowed to anymore (back to the passing out thing)
Talked on the phone all night?: i dont talk on the phone
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: yes and its much better than sex most of the time I think
Slept all day?: ive slept until 3 when i was sick
Killed someone?: a already told you i chop people up and hide them in the walls. geeze you dont listen
Made out with a stranger?: define stranger
Had sex with a stranger?: hell no
Thought you're going crazy?: a couple times a week lol
Kissed the same sex?: no.....
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: no
Been betrayed?: yep... pretty badly. still smarts
Had a dream that came true?: well it did... and then it came untrue
Broken the law?: aparantly stargazing is against the law if its in a car.... ask me about it. its a funny story
Met a famous person?: not that i can think of
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: a drunk raccoon actually walked into my tire while I was at a stoplight
On purpose?: do bugs count? then yes
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?:  in a round about way yes. Someone guessed and I just didnt deny
Stolen anything?: nothing
Been on radio/tv?: just those stupid channel 3 things but I was a star for a few days I tell ya. A star!
Been in a mosh-pit?: so much fun being the only girl in one
Had a nervous breakdown?: 3 or 4 times a year i have a major breakdown
Bungee jumped?: no im terrified of falling

Beliefs

Belive in life on other planets?: probably not but it would be cool
Miracles?: how can anyone see a baby and not believe in miracles?
Astrology?: in some ways yes if done right
Magic?: not really
God?: with every fiber of my being
Satan?: unfortunatly goes hand in hand with God
Santa?: never did
Ghosts?: spirits yes
Luck?: not so much
Love at first sight?: chemistry or lust at first sight
Witches?: there are some real ones
Easter bunny?: u kiddin?
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: everyone has their moments of doubt when Satan gets in your mind, but I think you can have faith forever generally yes
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: do rainbows actually end?
Do you wish on stars?: yep

Deep Theological Questions

Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: depends on what traditional is. Im reading an awesome book abou what Heaven "will be like" and its amazing
Do you think God has a gender?: God created man in his image, not necessarily mankind. I think God is male. Why else would Jesus call Him Father? Just to trip us up?
Do you believe in organized religion?: yes... but I think that consentrating on the religion part is dangerous. Religion is about man. Theology is about God. I believe more in organized theology.
Where do you think we go when we die?: born again believers to Heaven. The rest unfortunately to Hell, but that is the choice we all have to make.

Friends

Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: i dont think so. i love gay men. they are so darn cute lol
Who is your best friend?: very hard question. Lots of people in different ways. Val, Steve, and Josh I suppose
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: my mom or brandon
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: God wants all of us to be happy. Imagine how happy you were, and know that God will make you even happier. Something to look forward to!
Your favourite inside joke?: all the nicknames i have for people
Thing you're picked on most about?: my height, my fiestiness, my inability to play many video games
Who's your longest known friend?: other than my mom it would be Val. 9 years!
Newest?: I've known Steve about a month now... I guess him
Shyest?: Ashley
Funniest?: Brandon
Sweetest?: Rob
Closest?: a lot in different ways
Weirdest?: Brandon/my sis
Smartest?: Josh "Genious Genious! Josh is a Genious!" (miss that hun? didnt think so)
Friends you miss being close to the most?: Brandon/Josh/Tiff
Last person you talked to online?: Val
Who do you talk to most online?: Val or Steve but he has been slacking at getting online
Who are you on the phone with most?: Josh or Val
Who do you trust most?: Val and Josh and Steve
Who listens to your problems?: Val, Josh and Steve
Who do you fight most with?: DEFINITELY Brandon!
Who's the nicest?: they wouldnt be my friends if they werent nice
Who's the most outgoing?: Brandon used to be but not so much anymore. I'd have to say Abbie and Steve but in different ways
Who's the best singer?: Andrea
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: oh my gosh DUH! Its me!!!! come on now!
Who's your second family?: oh my so many: Kevin, Jai Ann, Cori, Gerald and Tina, Val's mom loves me, now that we're not together Brandon's family loves me, theres more but im stumped now
Who's the loudest friend?: Abbie
Do you trust others easily?: depends on who they are but for the most part yeah
Who's house were you last at?: Steve's
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in: good old Steve again. I havent been held by anyone else in a long time.
Do your friends know you?: some of them and in some ways. Everyone really sees a different version of me.

Love and All That

Do you consider love a mistake?: no its the best thing in life
What do you find romantic?: doing little things for each other like leaving a note in the person's pocket, a moonlit walk, laying in each other's arms talking while the fire is going and the lights are low, the tiny efforts to make the other person feel loved
Turn-on?: a Christian who isnt afraid to be a little daring or a little bit of a "bad boy". Someone who is going somewhere in life. Confidence. A hint of sluttiness. Haphazard clothing. I love a guy when he comes home with his dress shirt untucked and tie loosed (makes me wanna rip it off hehe)
Turn-off?: smoking, chewing, rudeness, being overweight, telling me what to do
First kiss?: I was actually talking to my dad on the phone and the guy I liked leaned over and kissed me right there with my father talking in my ear. kinda spoiled the moment a little.
If someone you had no interest in had interest in dating you how would you feel?: flattered but still not interested
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: yes b/c personalities are the most attractive thing
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: i have been told many times YES
What is best about the opposite sex?: they are more laid back and just have fun. They make me feel protected. They are better to talk to and hang out with b/c they arent so manipulative and backstabbing. They make me feel good about myself for the most part.
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: Someone always ends up liking someone and it just ruins things. They can be pretty pigheaded as well.
What's the last present someone gave you?: Dodgeball DVD

Who Was the Last Person...

That haunted you?: Brandon did for a long time but I finally escaped that
You wanted to kill?: Alie
That you laughed at?: my sister cuz she's an idiot
That laughed at you?: my mom and sister cuz i was making fun of Krista
You went shopping with?: Steve and I went shoppin Saturday
That broke your heart?: Brandon
To disappoint you?: Steve but he cant help it
To ask you out?: well thats an interesting question since I never get asked out anymore I just end up dating someone
To make you cry?: Steve/myself. More myself cuz I was pissed.
To brighten up your day?: Steve. Look at that multitasking. Both made me cry and made me happier. Thats talent.
That you thought about?: I've thought about Steve and Val a lot today. Poor Val.
You saw a movie with?: Steve and I saw Phantom of the Opera
You talked to on the phone?: Steve (getting tired of writing it over and over lol)
You saw?: I see Mom and Krista everyday. Does that count?
You lost?: Brandon... more and more everyday

Right This Moment...

Are you going out?: im going to bed
What are you wearing right now?: Jeans and a comfy green sweater that I must say brings out my eyes
What are you worried about right now?: that would be what the future holds, how Val is doing, and how Steve's and my relationship will end up
What book are you reading?: in light of eternity, escape the coming night, and the bible
What's on your mousepad?: i dont use one
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: tired, lonely, annoyed, sick, anxious
Are you bored? not really but sleeping sounds like a better spending of my time
Are you tired?: yes
Are you talking to anyone online?: its 2 am , everyone is asleep
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: ha no
Are you lonely or content?: lonely considering Id really like to have someone waiting in bed for me to cuddle up to
Are you listening to music?: only the song in my head

Its crazy how a little thing like water can turn the world upside down. In our case its a little more like a big thing like water. Ohio was hit by a massive snow storm/ice storm. Dayton got like 15 or 18 inches! My good old hometown of Court House is buried under much ice. It rained chunks of ice all night and most of yesterday. Trees are broken everywhere from the weight of frozen water. The power was out last night as well. Still is for some people. Siding was torn off of houses. I saw someone's roof over their room was ripped off! Its just water, but it makes people crazy! Walmart was absolutely crawling with people. They had only one door open, so people were fighting to get in and out. The floor was soaked everywhere. Lines were massively long. People were grabbing stuff like it was the end of the world and if they didnt get that turkey baster or whatever they were on a mission for life would cease. It really looked like a scene straight out of "The Day After Tomorrow". Its madness I tell ya.

Speaking of the end of the world, the girls in the pharmacy and I were discussing what will happen this New Years Eve. There will be no Dick Clark to bring in the new year. Without him, the new year wont know how to begin. Time may end as we know it....

Heres a little survey. I wanna know what other people think about this. Everyone has heard the saying "Better loved and lost than never loved at all". How many of you feel that is true or not? What are your thoughts?

Alright, Im feeling much better now. I guess thats what 2 hours of sleep will do for you: make you a little grumpy. I went to bed at 1 and got up at 3 (not intentionally). Actually, I held in my grumpiness quite well. I was just mad at almost everyone. But I'm good now. Practice went really well. Everyone paid attention, was in good spirits, learned the ruetine, got up there and did it without complaining and it looked absolutely awesome. Its really cool seeing your vision come to life and to actually look good.

Im not ready for Christmas yet. Mostly, cuz Im not ready for it to be over. I havent really savored it and got into the spirit. And it would be a real shame to miss out on my favorite time of the year. I dont know why I feel this way. I wish I didnt though. Dad says its just cuz Im growing up- sucks the magic right out of Christmas. I did however watch Muppet Christmas Carol and that helped a little. In all reality though, this feels just like any other week of the year... just freakin cold!

I didnt know it was possible to be frustrated with so many people all at once for all different reasons!! There are very few people currently escaping my harboring of wrath. So any of you who have to see me tonight, I suggest bringing candy/diamonds/money and other tokens of love to avoid getting your throat slit.

Another waste of my time today: While the girl I interpret for sometimes took a test, I sat and watched the second hand circle the clock almost a full three times. I then realized I had just watched 3 minutes of my life go by. 3 minutes I will never get back. 3 completely pointless minutes. And how many pointless minutes have I had in this quickly ending life? For the first time- well maybe second- I felt like I was wasting my life. But then again, who isnt?

This is pretty much gonna be random thoughts that popped into my head today so bear with me:

I saw a dead beagle on the side of the road today. Made me start to realize how fast life ends. At any minute tonight someone could have wrecked into me and killed me in an instant. Am I ready to go? Not that I have a choice when its my time. We're all just waiting to die really.

No one thinks about their future life and sees the bad. They see falling in love, getting married, being happy, having kids, etc. But no one sees their husband having an affair, or you getting a deadly disease or your child being kidnapped or dying. So how cruel is it to yourself to imagine a wonderful life, when such a large percentage of people are dying of cancer or having loved ones leave or get hurt or die?

How is it that I didnt realize that the thing I regret most I made the person I loved most feel? Cuz you were/are a blind idiot and only thought of yourself. I should have known that would have happened. The thing that drove me away from one I turned right around and did to another. And the same consequences occured. Destruction.

Hindsight is such an amazing thing.

You, blogging site, get me in trouble! Such that as to be careful and not hurt people's feelings or cause problems, I had to resort to writing in my online diary again for once. Tsk Tsk darn people with emotions.

The words to this song playing are absolutely amazing. "I dont wanna fall to peices, I just wanna sit and stare at you, I dont wanna talk about it" Its like she can express all these things that I dont have the ability to. And the entire CD is like that, so anyone who has ever loved and won, or loved and lost, or had feelings in general should buy Avril's newest CD. It will be hard not to be touched.

I'm a very needy person when it comes to the person Im with. I want to have them solely devoted to me, and I dont know if thats fair or not, but that is how I would be to them, so that is how I expect to be treated as well.

I realized why the idea of sex is so appealing to me, and its not b/c of of physical feelings or passion... something very different. Dont know why I didnt realize it before. But I dont know how to explain so I wont.

Ok Im done for tonight. Blah.

I love gettin to sleep in late. Its like 1 now and I still havent got in the shower or anything. Just bein lazy. I dont have to work until Wednesday! YAY!!! Im going to see Spanglish tonight and then hang out with Val.

The saga of our relationship: I havent seen her... goodness... for a year and a half. Not since I graduated high school. We're those kind of friends that we've been friends for like 9 years now (can you believe its been that long girl?!) and probably only b/c we never see each other. We went to school together in middle school and then I moved after 8th grade. Through letters we kept in contact until email came into our lives, and suddenly a whole new world was opened and we could talk back and forth like we were in person with an invention called "messenger" *ooooohhhhh*. So we talk several times a week online or with our handy dandy cells. Val is the one that I vent and rant and rave to and tell all the stuff I cant just tell everyone. I can tell anything to Val and I know that she will still be there for me if I need her. And vice versa. Val is gonna be moving to Georgia the 3rd, and while I rarely see her anyway and I know it wont affect our relationship cuz email is everywhere, there is still something sad about knowing that if I needed her I cant just drive 45 minutes and be there. But Im happy for her. she's really excited about it, and its pretty cool that she is making a change in her life and taking a chance like that. I wish I could but Im too darn structured. But Val, if you read this, I love ya girl and I wish you the very best and I WILL miss you!

If anyone wants to read her blog the link is over on the side

Still not feelin so hot. Better than last night though. That was pretty horrible. I really wish I didnt have to go to work in an hour. But I guess I dont have much better to do. Im so bored!

I've been calling a bunch of places today to see about who needs an interpreter and what not. Its not working out so well. But God has never failed me before, so Im just trusting that my name will fall into the right hands at the right time. It will all work out. Maybe not how I planned it, but it will work out none the less.

I think Im gonna go next Tuesday to look at this captioning option. Its like being an interpreter but typing. They said its a good thing for interpreters to do to fall back on, so I think I may take the 3 week course for it.

I went looking for the animal shelter in Court House today. Youd think it would be easy to find in a little town but I was wrong. Still havent found it, but it didnt matter cuz they are only open for 3 hours on Monday and Wednesday only. What kind of schedule is that?!

Im not tired, but in order to waste some more time I think I may take a nap now. Night everyone

Oh guys I feel so so sick. Hence the puke green color. I feel like I have chills inside my body, and I feel like hurling may actually feel better than what I do now. I think I will sleep 12 hours tonight.

Work was hell today. I dont really like working with Teria. I'll be kinda glad when she transfers in a few weeks. She intimidates me for some reason, and there are few people who do, so I dont like being around her. Now Jen, I love! Thank God she's not leaving! May I just say.... PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!!!!

Im back to not caring about guys again. Dang it. That lasted about one wonderful day when I was feeling like my old self again. Maybe there is just a serious lack of guys worth dating in Court House but it just feels like it would be a waste of time to even think about a guy in a romantic sort of way. Im tired of drama. I dont know why other girls seem to like it, cuz I LOATHE it! Too much energy and I dont have it.

I just wanna tell the world that Im tired and I want it all to leave me alone! Im not even upset or sad or anything, Im just so tired of it.

Random thoughts for today: First, I hate using the bathroom in winter- same as taking a shower. There is just no enjoyment in being cold while you are on the toilet or stepping out of the shower.

For the first time in a good long time, I wanted to make out with every decent guy I saw. Like cute guys that passed me on the highway, I wanted to ram them off the road, pull them into my car and just go at it right there. While this was frustrating b/c obviously I can not make out with every hot guy I see, it was also very refreshing and nice b/c I have not felt that way in a good year and a half. Its like getting part of that animal instinct back. It was kinda dead before, and now Im starting to kinda look at guys every now and then and wonder what it would be like to date them or to kiss them. Im starting to want to pursue something again. And while I doubt I will seriously anytime soon, its nice knowing that it is kinda coming back.

Along the same lines of wanting to make out with everyone... I heard the live version of Breaking Benjamin's "Cold" and while Ben Burnley totally sucked, for some reason it made me want him that much more. mmmm yummy. Kinda made him even more real... made it a good trip home though with little flash fantasies hehehehehe. And in honor of that, I decided to play the song that caused such a pleasuresome drive.

And the last thing that I have to say. I think in the last 6 months or so I have become a much better person. B/c of all this crap that has gone on, I've come to appreciate love and people more. And life as well... even though I complain about it and it sucks sometime, I do appreciate it a lot more than I did. I think my heart has grown a lot. I dont simply write people off as soon as they mess up. I find myself giving chance after chance after chance to people for no real reason. I just dont feell like losing anyone anymore, and I want to regain as many friendships as possible. Its rather weird for me. Adam and I have been talking more and its actually brought me much joy recently to see the changes in his life. I saw him tonight from a distance, but couldnt bring myself to go up to him. Too much happened... too many feelings. I missed Grant with a real ache today just out of the blue. I thought of something weird and wished he was in the car with me and we could talk. I called Florida Rob b/c I actually wanted to hear his voice. ITs just weird... I care about people for once. I never needed them before, and that is what it is now I think... I need them. I dont know if its good or bad, but thats the way it is and Im not changing it.

Im going tomorrow morning to look at a Australian Shepard puppy. Im so excited. Unfortunantly I cant get it yet. Not until spring. Im not going to housebreak a dog in winter! No way!!! Plus I think my father would have a heart attack if I brought it home after I spent $2,200 on furniture 2 weeks ago. So I am bracing myself. You cant get attached. You cant get attached!!!

If anyone doesnt fully appreciate the beauty of the old school Homestarrunner song that is now playing... well... youre just heartless unclassy people lol.

Lets see... what did I do today? Well... I went to the church my grandpa is a pastor at and signed a few songs. That was cool... especially since odds are it will be the last time I ever hear my Granpa deliver a sermon. We never go to their church but once every 4 years or so, and Grandpa is 86 or 87 so he isnt really gonna be going on for too much longer though. It is pretty cool, however, cuz he is a totally different person when he preaches. Gets up there and just talks and talks and really gets into it, then goes and sits down and falls asleep or is pretty much out of it. Its neat how he comes alive. So I tried to absorb it so I could remember in case it is the last time.

After that Mom and I went to Jo Ann fabrics to get stuff to cover my pillows, went to see Finding Neverland (great movie! I have a totally new love for Johnny Depp), went to Victorias Secret (I would buy everything in there if I could and wear it out in public they are so awesome!!!) and went to a pet store. I fell in love with a Burnese Mt. Dog I took to calling Daisy. I would buy her but apartments and dogs with the potential to weigh 120 lbs dont mix well. My dog Dusty now will have nothing to do with me b/c I "cheated" on him, and is currently sitting alone in a dark room sulking. Funny how they actually think and have personalities. I hate to see what he does when I do buy one! But he will get over it. And if he doesnt, well, I'll be moving anyway. Moving!!! YEAH!!!

*big sigh* guys i need some serious huggles. if anyone could find where i live i would much appreciate a hug. condemn winter! it always gets me so depressed. and condemn pms! theres no controlling these dang emotions. ive been on the verge of tears all day for no reason. little stupid things have set me off. like the movies werent showing at the right time and krista wouldnt go see the one i could see b/c one of her friends couldnt go. or that the present i bought cori wasnt in the right color. or that i was tired all day and had no time to sleep. and currently i cant stop crying, and i hate this feeling. its a deep gutteral loathing. i hate weakness. i hate crying. everything from how stupid it is to the way it makes your face curl up and your nose run. wake me up when spring is here and im graduating and leaving all this behind to find new stupidity. and someone.... while im waiting for spring... please come and cuddle up with me, kiss my forehead, and tell me its all going to be ok.

New favorite song lyrics: I dont wanna be the one you love cuz no one else is there/ I was never good as runner up in races that arent fair/ Time will make it all feel better/ Like salve upon the wound you soon wont see/ Time will erase the scars I've weathered/ But as for now it only hurts when I breathe

Thats by Avion, and no, I dont like it right now b/c "its about anyone". It just reflects my feelings inside and I think it is a beautiful song. Judge it for yourself (cuz I figured out how to add music! sorry... just made me feel smart for a sec)

I did not write this (Brandon did and I stole it from his site... sorry babe), but I thought this pretty acurately fits the way probably most of us feel mor often than not, and I thought it should be shared.

there's a short time in the morning when you first wake up where you're in
between worlds and you realize that there's no worries or doubts or time,
you're perfectly content with every conviction that left you when you fell asleep. for a few sweet moments existence is perfect. and then you have to
get up and live. but while you do whatever it is people do while they live,
you search for someone or something that will take you back to that
moment, hoping that maybe the dream doesn't always end when you wake
up.

Pretty acurate huh?

Her brain is alive!!! Well... its hook up to an oxygen tank currently and has nurses checking in every 30 minutes or so, but it is looking as if Brittney's brain will make a full recovery. Will just take some time. You can all breath a sigh of relief. *sigh of relief* Get well cards can be sent via the add comment link.

So do you like my beautiful adopted penguin Xue Fang? He's got my eyes, dont ya think?

Other breaking news, it is fully possible to function in the world with only partial use of your brain. Went to my first big official job interview today. Although I dont want the job I totally rocked in the interview. Good thing culture and ethics was shoved down my throat in college... thanks teachers... I hated it in school but it saved my arse today! dont need a mind when you can just regurgitate facts.

Speaking of regurgitating... nevermind, I dont actually have anything about that... although I did have some false alarms due to an upset stomach today and had to practicaly kill myself learning how to fly from the loft at work to get to the bathroom. yeah not fun. not fun in the loft either. although i did appreciate not having to work in the pharmacy for 3 hours, I did not like being alone, up high, with dead creatures, going through litterally hundreds of thousands of files to find 15 for the audit tomorrow. life is so much fun. But I did come out victorious in the file war even without my brain.

Dont you just hate it when throughout the day you think of lots of things you should blog about, but when you get the time to do it your brain just goes---------------. Thats my mind tonight. Bottomed out.

We're here in memory of Britt's brain. It was a good brain. Always there for me when I needed it.... except for anytime guys were involved. I remember the one time... when it thought that one thing that was really funny.... hahah.... yes we had some good times. It was like a brother to me. No! More than that! It was like... part of me! *sniffle* Im gonna miss you brain!

The only thing I really gotta say is that Im getting a dog sometime and I need some help deciding the name. Yes, they are weird, deal with it. So tell me which is ya'lls favorite out of: Charis, Keres, Kaysa, Cardea, Aislin, and Akasma. Im leanin toward the first and the last but wanna see what you super smart people rally for.

D o T e l l . . .
x. my father thinks i : am moving out to quickly
x. my mother thinks i am : going to give her beautiful grandchildren one day
x. my sister thinks i am: bossy im sure
x. my grandma thinks i am : very talented
x. my best friends think i am : (girls) the baby of the group and therefore should either be looked out for or the one who gets thrown into all the embarrassing stuff (guys) hot and good to make out with
x. your three best qualities : motivated toward the future, will talk to anyone, im not like anyone else
x. three worst qualities : i quickly write off people, become jealous easily, sometimes motivated twoard the future falls in this category too
x. three things you are often complimented for : my sign skills, my quirkiness, and my ability to make any man mine with one kiss JK
x. a compliment you got that made you blush : anything coming from a hot guy in front of my parents
x. you get embarrassed when : I really dont embarrass that easily. I guess really only if a someone calls me out and makes me talk about personal feelings in front of other people
x. makes you happy : being in love/having somoene to cuddle with and do nice things for/someone loving me, first kisses, achieving something I want, providing for myself, the Christmas spirit, springtime, driving fast with the music up and the windows down, music, clothes straight from the dryer, finding someone to make you forget the hurt
x. upsets you : falling out of love/your love falling out of love with you, failing at something, being tired and/or stressed, things not turning out the way I wanted or planned them, being empty

Y e s O r N o. . .
x. you keep a diary : I keep this....
x. you like to cook : absolutely hate it! and now my world revolves around food! Totally unfair!
x. you have a secret you have not shared with anyone : If you put everyone I know together then all my secrets will be told, but no one knows everything about me
x. you fold your underwear : nope. just throw em in the drawer
x. you talk in your sleep : yep. especially if i was really tired. ask me anything and ill answer! scary thought!!!
x. you set your watch a few minutes ahead : only my alarm clock. its 10 minutes fast
x. you believe in love : definitely do. changes lives. although, I agree with Val, that anything close hurts

L a s t . . .
x. movie you rented : White Chicks
x. movie you bought : Around the Wrold in 80 Days
x. song you listened to : So Cold by Breaking Benjamin
x. song that was stuck in your head : actually... the song that Brandon wrote me. I couldnt remember the lyrics for the longest time and then I woke up this morning and I couldnt stop singing them. Weird huh? 
x. song you've downloaded : I dont download songs
x. CD you bought : Yellowcard and Breaking Benjamin
x. CD you listened to : Breaking Benjamin... goodness... alot of them in this survey
x. person you've called : Mom or CJ Maurer
x. person that's called you : the doctor and the woman from the furniture store calling to confirm my delivery called at the same time
x. TV show you've watched : less than perfect
x. person you were thinking of : Brandon... surprise!

D o . . .
x. you wish you could live somewhere else : Dayton already
x. you think about suicide : i have... never would go through with it, but I've wondered what it would be like and why i shouldnt. what would make staying here worth it when Heaven is so close?
x. others find you attractive : i dont know why but that is a big fat old yes... guys are weird
x. you want more piercings : nope
x. you want more tattoos : yep... they are addictive man!
x. you do drugs : never have never will
x. you smoke : same answer
x. you like cleaning : absolutely not!
x. you like roller coasters: love em! the higher the faster the loopier the better
x. you write in cursive or print: print
x. you carry a donor card : it says on my license im a donor.... is there a difference?
x. you have a crush on somebody : nope not really.... its a weird feeling

H a v e Y o u. . .
x. ever cried over a boy/girl : still do and i dont really have anyone to cry over! now thats pathetic talent there!
x. ever lied to someone : no (dang it i just did!)
x. ever been in a fist fight : kinda. way back in 6th grade. she swung and missed and then it was broken up lol. it was an attempted fistfight
x. ever been arrested : nope but was questioned by the police for "stargazing/parking". silly cops.

W h a t . . .
x. shampoo do you use : either reds, cristophe volume or shine, or VO1 in strawberries and creme
x. perfume/cologne do you use: either body by victorias secret, heavenly by victorias secret, absolutely fabulous by revlon, or this stuff called lilu
x. shoes do you wear : payless usually
x. are you scared of : failing, being alone, getting hurt again, losing someone special again, my family dying

N u m b e r . . .
x. of times you have been in love : well three i thought, but when i look back only one was really REAL love

x. of times you have had your heart broken : one. ive been hurt many times, but only really broken once
x. of hearts you have broken : two
x. of guys/girls you have kissed : 13
x. of guys/girls you have had sex with: nunya
x. of people you consider your enemies : one
x. of CDs' that you own : somewhere in the hundreds
x. of times my name has appeared in the newspaper : probably only three times. Twice for scholarships and once for the "stargazing/parking" deal. small town. we're losers here.

The results are in and I'm going to live. Doctor says Im hypoglycemic and I have high cholesterol, which is no news since I've had it since I was like 6. I was drinking Metamucil as a little kid! So that wasnt surprising. Basically I just have to eat 6 small meals a day instead of 3 bigger ones and there is no skipping meals. I have Slimfast do drink between meals and Im supposed to keep crackers or sugar cubes or glucose pills with me at all times. Everything that was weird going on is just cuz my stupid brain doesnt know how to burn its glucose right. Also, its why I cant excercise as well as everyone else. Im a skinny and moderately fit chic and these fat girls are riding the bike longer than I am and Im huffing and puffing and feeling faint when just jogging! And its cuz excercise and stress cause a hypoglycemic reaction. At least its not just that Im really out of shape! So at least now I know what to do. I gotta start eating right thanks to the cholesterol too now. This sucks though. The girl who hates to eat and now so much revolves around food. I have to think way to much about food now. ug.

Also, I got a job offer as a part time interpreter for Southern State college. The woman said it would be at least 20 hours a week. She wouldnt go into detail about what it entails, only that she would talk about it at the interview Tuesday. Im not feeling really good about it though. Im not sure why... something is just kinda making me feel squimish about it. But Ill go to the interview and see what I feel then. Its really pretty awesome though that I've got so many job offers already. I'm really lucky. Sorry... Im really blessed.