Did you guys miss me horribly while I was gone? I havent blogged in a good while. Im sure no one was too bothered. I know I wasnt! I went skiing!!! YAY!!! Let me just tell you, the entire weekend was pure magic. Absolutely beautiful! And so much fun! So let me breeze you through it a little.

I went over to Steve's house Thursday night and spent the night there cuz he wanted to leave by 8 in the morning and that would mean I would have to get up super early and that didnt sound cool. I must admit I was a little apprehensive due to what happened the last time I was over there and wondering about the sleeping situation. It was weird for me to think about cuddling with someone if I am only supposed to think of them as friends. I rarely cuddled with boyfriends! Let alone friends. And sure enough I was awakened at 2 in the morning by someone cuddling with me, but I wasnt even about to complain cuz I was enjoying it way too much. So I said hell with that, if he wanted to snuggle I would be more than happy to oblidge.

True to our nature, we didnt end up leaving until noon. We were officially on the road around 12:30 and we got to the resort around 5. So we made good time, especially since we stopped twice along the way to take pictures. The view was just so pretty and it was one of those things where we just couldnt pass up the opportunity to pull over and take some pictures of the icecycles or sleepy towns.

When we got to Nemacolin www.nemacolin.com it was like stepping into a fantasy or a make believe world. It is a 5 star hotel and it showed! We were greeted at the front by two men in red tailed suits and tophats who opened our doors and took our baggage. We are yokels and parked the car ourselves though lol. Inside was the most beautiful place I've ever seen! Everything completely lavished with the most elegant framework, furniture, art, etc. The term "spared no expense" is perfect for this place. Artwork was everywhere. Everything was beautiful wood. Fireplaces and pianos and antique chess boards decorated the many random rooms throughout the resort. There was no end to the exploring and discovering and marveling. I was in total aw the entire weekend.

About half an hour after we got there, Steve's Dad (who I have come to call Big Steve), his wife Judy, Steve's stepsister Crystal and her friend Casey arrived. They had an adjoining room with ours, so Steve and I had our very own room which I was really happy about. Not that I didnt love them. I liked them all a lot! In fact I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible... until it got to be nighttime and all I wanted was to be cuddled with and be alone with him. But anyway, I immediately knew I would like them all. They seemed to exude hospitality and friendliness. I felt like I could fit right in with them and be the idiot (I took like everything from that hotel including jelly from breakfast and the cork from the wine bottle) that I am and yet still be able to really carry on conversations as well. In a funny way I almost felt like they were part of my family.

The first night we just went to eat at the Tavern and then went up to Big Steve's room and talked and hung out. I ended up taking a whirlpool bath for a while (the thing was so freakin huge and pretty and so so so inviting I couldnt resist) and when I came back everyone was watching a movie and falling asleep so I said I was just gonna go to bed. Which ended up being very enjoyable cuz I got to cuddle up with Steve and even though I didnt get a kiss it was enough just being able to be there.

Saturday we woke up around 8, got ready, and went to breakfast at the Golden Troute, and were at the ski slopes by 10:30. I was told I was not allowed to have ski lessons and that I needed to just hop out there and learn it, so that is what I did. And I think I did pretty well. I didnt fall for at least 3 hours. And then I only fell twice the first day. I only went on three slopes, but I did all the beginner and intermediate courses. I had a lot of fun. I was really glad that I caught on. I would have hated to have not been able to stand up and be holding people up. Luckily there werent many people on the slopes, so I didnt have to worry about crashing into too many people lol. The only person I crashed into was Casey lol. My skis went under hers and I popped right out of mine and went crashing into the equivalent of a ditch. But it was funny. The other time I had a blowout I ended up on my back with my head downhill and sliding down which was very scary, but I did eventually stop. The hardest thing was definitely getting off the ski lift. I was alright alone or with one person, but you get three and four together and Im bound to step on someone or impale someone with my pole. Very scary.

Around 5 or 5:30 we headed back to the resort to get cleaned up to go to dinner. We were eating at Lautrec, which was a VERY nice restaurant so we decided to get really dressed up. I brought my sophomore homecoming dress and must say I looked pretty snazy, and Steve wore a really nice silk suit. We were definitely in the top ten prettiest couples in the hotel lol! This restaurant was amazing! For the 6 of us to eat it cost over 700 dollars!!!! But the food was to die for! I wish I could remember everything I ate. We started out getting this tiny cup of like potatoish soup (wonderful) . Then we got our choice of 3 breads (wonderful). Then I got the Endive Salad (not so good but I just dont like onions). I tried the crabcake and amazingly it was really good! But I bet no one else makes it as good. Then the main meal came. I had pheasant, some sort of sausage, there was something that was like meat and mashed potatoes but tasted better than anything I'd ever had remotely like it, and some gravish soup. All of it was absolutely to die for. I've never wanted to savor food so much. I didnt want it to end. The wine was the best I've had too! I probably could have drank it like candy. It was perfect. I tried Kahlua for dessert, but it was a little rich for me. I preferred just the Riesling, so I traded Steve. Dinner lasted for 3 hours cuz we just sat around and talked and stuff. theres no way to accurately describe any part of the weekend. It was like we were royalty and being waited on hand and foot non stop. Very easy to get spoiled. I was spoiled with compliments about how pretty. One time Steve leaned over and said my lips were glossy and he couldnt wait to kiss them I swear chills shot down my spine. Gotta say feelings were mutual.

Oh yeah, by the way, after much waiting and reserving myself I got my kiss again! So I only had to wait a week! It seemed long. I dont even know how it happened, but we were just reliving skiing and all the sudden our lips were together. I dont know who instigated it or if we both did, but suddenly it was like Woah! What happened! And this was before dinner, so it wasnt the wine talking lol. But I had to catch myself SO MANY times from kissing him the last couple days! It was so good to get to again! I just cant resist the Kujo charm as his Dad says :)

After dinner we came back to the room and took a wonderful long bath together. As silly as it sounds we had our underwear on lol. We made a promise about no nudity so we stuck to it (although I was wishing inside there wasnt that rule). It actually may have been my favorite part of the the whole thing. It is at least in the top 3! The water was so warm and we cuddled and kissed and talked. I could have stayed there forever. Oh and he told me to put this in here so I definitely have to. When we were about to get out, we were just letting the water drain out and sitting there. I thought I had turned off the jets but apparantly there are different settings, so I pushed the button again and the water was only halfway covering the jets and the jets turned on high and water started spraying everywhere!!! The first thing it hit was right up my nose and so I moved quickly which then the water nailed Steven right in the face. So we're both flaling around with water shooting everywhere! It was so freakin histerical!

We got out, changed, and got into bed and ended up kissing and cuddling for hours. I wish that time never had to end. It felt so good and right and there was so much passion. A huge part of me wanted to say Forget the Rules! and make love for hours but we didnt of course. At 2:30 we got a rude awakening by the fire alarm. Something blew in the basement and caused a lot of smoke, but we all were evacuated to the Safely Annex in our pjs and everything. I thought it was funny and memorable, but there were a lot of ticked off people as well. We got back to sleep a little after 3 or so though.

Sunday we slept in and got up around 9:30 and took all our stuff to Big Steve's room. Then Steven and I got some breakfast and met the others on the slopes again. Big Steve and Judy and them had to be out by three, so we left the slopes at 2 and all went out to eat one more time. Then we all had to say our goodbyes and I was actually really sad to see them go. I'd really enjoyed all their company. After they left, Steve and I went to Falling Rock and checked it out. It was breathtaking. I think I found my perfect genre for my home. It was very modern and yet very comfy and outdoorsy at the same time. And every room cost a million dollars to make! This place was fantastic!

Unfortunately, we did have to come back to the real world. We left around 5:30 and made it back to Court House around 10:30. I actually enjoyed being stuck in the car with him for 5 hours too! Very surprising! Usually I'd be fed up with something or bored or whatever. But I really liked just being with him and it didnt matter what we were doing, I was really comfortable and happy just being there. Thats how it was all weekend. I just loved every minute.

I started getting worried this morning that he would do what usually happens which is if we have an exceptionally good times he startes to freak out and get weird. So I texted him this morning to let him know things were still the same. Im not anticipating anything or expecting anything. Im just happy being with him and he should take him time and not worry and definitely not freak out. And he assured me he isnt worried and is doing good, so that is really good to know. I just had this cloud of dread over me all day that something would happen and we'd have a replay of last saturday again, but it didnt. Thank goodness. Sometimes I really wish I could be inside his head and see what he honestly feels for me compaired to what he says or what I imagine. Then other times I tell myself I shouldnt wonder. I should just be content in the moment, so that is was I am trying to do. Im happy, so why complicate it if it can be helped. God knows I would love for him to wake up and be crazy about me and not be plagued by doubts and worries, but it doesnt happen like that. I kinda have the feeling that Im the significant other who's reason for being there is just to help the person move on but not be the person they can settle down with, which if it is true completely sucks but thats just something that has to be waited out. But for now, Im more than content when we are together, so Im not in any hurry to change anything or pressure him.

Man the weekend was great but it definitely is back to reality now and I have school in a few hours and then work 12:30 to 9. So I need to get off here. Wow this was long! Guess that means I really enjoyed it!

1) My name is Brittney Elaine Baber
2) I am 19 at the time of writing this. My birthday is July 15th, 1985 and I am very much a Cancer unfortunately for those who are stuck with me.
3) I have one little sister, Krista, who is 15 and homeschooled.
4) I have lived in Hawaii (born there, dont remember it), Maryland, Texas, and 2 towns in Ohio in that order. That translates to 8 homes and 8 different schools (including one year of homeschooling).
5) I am about to graduate June 11th, 2005 from Ohio University majoring in Deaf Studies and Interpreting.
6) I would like to interpret for a company that improves the quality of life for Deaf children or for elementary/high schools.
7) I also am working on getting certified to be a counselor. If I get it, I will be the only counselor for Deaf people in Ohio.
8 ) I would like to one day own 3 big dogs (one must be a Burnese Mountain Dog).
9) I currently live with my mom, dad, sister, Dusty (our Maltese) and a cat (who usually doesnt have a name but is currently being called Attila)
10) I have a crazy obsession with Gerard Butler *swoon*
11) I love everything about the theatre and opera. Cant get enough.
12) I cant wait to move into my own place so I can go decorating crazy!
13) I've been collecting furniture since I was 15 and almost have everything I need (aside from a dining room table which I dont think is very important)
14) I am a good artist and wish I had more time to spend just sketching.
15) I will read any book I can get my hands on unless it is about law (gag)
16) I am one of the biggest hopeless romantics and I fall for someone easily
17) I love gifts and gestures from the heart. I love having someone do something little that means so much. Example: making an extra trip just to see me even if its for 5 minutes, sending a text message to say Im thinking about you.
18) I am a shopaholic and probably need to go to therapy for it.
19) I've always wanted to have a gay guy be my best friend.
20) I think deep inside, most people have bisexual tendencies even if they dont practice them (which I dont think you should) By the way, I am not bisexual so stop asking! lol. its just a theory I have about people.
21) I have many more male friends than female. I hate girls.
22) I like two sports: paintball and karate. I took karate for several months and was testing for blue belt but had to quit, and I have my own paintball gun named Victor.
23) I name everything. My car is named Mel (car-mel, get it?), my gun is Victor (its a Spider Victor), thanks  ;to idiot friends my breasts are named (although  ;I dont actually use the names cuz thats stupid) and youre not truly my friend until I give you an off-the-wall nicknam e.
24) I want to know anything and everything about people.
25) I have a good sense of who I am and I like opening up to someone if they are special enough to let them see the real me.
26) I tend to hold onto the past for too long.
27) I am a big dreamer. Most dont come true, but it never stops me.
28) I am a Christian. I love my church and I am very serious about my walk with Christ but still striving to grow more in my faith.
29) I am also a Republican, but I would vote for a Democrat if he was the best candidate.
30) I am a very good student without trying. I graduated high school with honors and a 3.8 GPA, and currently have a 3.6 in college.
31) I skip about 40% of my classes and still get away with it.
32) I have horrible vision and wear contacts. I hope to get laser surgery one day.
33) My dream for the future is to a stay at home mom.
34) I want to have at least 3 kids with the oldest being a boy. If I have a girl I want to name her Isabelle.
35) I've had 5 boyfriends my entire life (3 serious ones): Ronnie (lasted 1 month), Daniel (1 month), Adam (9 months), Craig (1 year 6 months), Brandon (7 months).
36) I've loved 3 of them but have honestly only been IN love with 1.
37) I bite my nails horribly.
38) Wanna know something gross? I sometimes find popping pimples to be very satisfying.
39) Everything I have must be unique. Even paper must be is interesting as it can be. I was the girl who wrote with markers instead of pens in school.
40) I collect ink pens, candles, masks, anything Italianish, and wine bottles.
41) My favorite restaurant is Olive Garden closely followed by the Macaroni Grill.
42) I like to think out of the box and pride myself on having an open mind and creative spirit.
43) My favorite movies are Muppet Christmas Carol, Mulan Rouge, Nightmare Before Christmas, and Phantom of the Opera.
44) My favorite pasttime is sleeping.
45) I usually only brush my teeth in the morning but have only had one cavity.
46) I am hypoglycemic and I have high cholesterol (had it since I was 6). I used to have asthma and I got pnuemonia every winter until I was 6.
47) I have a mixture of very dry humor and wacky/stupid humor.
48) I hate recieving presents unless they were made for me. I'm bad at knowing how to respond and I feel bad for the buyer.
49) I loathe crying and rarely do. I have cried happy tears once. Hopefully I will again b/c those tears were enjoyable.
50) I dislike most food with the exception of anything Italian. I find eating to be a waste of time.
51) I love spring!!! I hate winter!!!
52) My mom is my best friend.
53) I dont want to plan a wedding ceremony. I'd like to decide to get married and within two weeks get family together and go to a beach and have a very private wedding.
54) I've had my wedding ring picked out since I was 16 (I'm pathetic I know).
55) I LOVE lipgloss and have TONS but never use them.
56) Just about everyone has a different name for me. Some of the most popular are: Britt, Bid, B Lane, Byrnie, Amazon, Evil Temptress, Little Girl, Freckles, Landy (the Duck), and Lashes.
57) I have a lot of fun alphabetizing things.
58) Im still as excited about Christmas as I was when I was 5. Its truly magical.
59) I have a tatoo of a heart with wings on my hip (no its not the mark of the beast)
60) I swoon for any guy with black hair (either nicely styled or scruffy), beautiful eyes and a great voice.
61) I am basically very independant but I like having a guy around to "take care" of me.
62) I am not a very social person. I'd rather be alone or with one person I really care about. But occasionally I do love being with a crowd.
63) I've had my ears and cartilage peirced but all closed up but one.
64) I am afraid of falling, someone I love dying, someone getting into my house, sometimes the dark, the idea of spirits influencing me, bees, having my blood drawn, and failing.
65) I would almost rather never try than to maybe fail.
66) I used to be a horribly impatient person but with much prayer Im working on it.
67) I am very passionate about things I do and care about. I also have incredible mood swings sometimes.
68) I am a night owl. I like to stay up till 3 or 4 and sleep till 10 or 11.
69) I am usually very optimistic with the exception of several times a year when I get moderately depressed for a few days.
70) Winter makes me sad, so I have special lights to help keep me upbeat.
71) My favorite thing in the world is cuddling.
72) I want to one day travel the world!
73) I've never been arrested.
74) I've never done any kind of drug.
75) I've never smoked anything.
76) I do occasionaly drink but I've never been drunk.
77) I find humor and joy in very strange places.
78) I HAVE TO shave my legs at least every other day or it drives me nuts.
79) My hair is currently read but is naturally dark brown with grey. Yes, I've had grey strands since I was 13.
80) I pull out my eyelashes b/c they are really long and hurt when fully grown out.
81) The shower is strangely the only place I dont sing.
82) I dont believe there is only "one" person for everyone, but I do believe that God has planned who we will be with.
83) I have been in trouble with the police for stargazing or parking as I was accused of. Police are idiots.
84) I love change and accept it when it comes.
85) I am old fashioned especially when it comes to relationships and the roles of men and women. Equality with old traditions is what I believe in.
86) I love driving fast yet I've never got a speeding ticket.
87) I answer questions in my sleep. Not necessarily correctly but I do answer them.
88) I think feet and armpits are gross. I hate even saying armpit. Eww.
89) I've never worn braces but have incredibly straight teeth.
90) I love buying clothes but I hate wearing them. We could all run around in underwear for all I care!
91) Speaking of underwear, I LOVE LOVE LOVE pretty and sexy panties and bras.
92) I won young writers exchange twice and one art competition and one sparring competition.
93) I've never broken any bones but I have had 7 stitches on my eyebrow (I fell into a cannon when I was 5)
94) I love sleeping naked! I can sleep with a shirt on but I cant stand pants.
95) I love cold green tea and hot vanilla tea.
96) I want to learn ballet, ballroom dancing, salsa, and the tango.
97) I like living a semi-sophisticated life.
98) I am a chameleon. I change who I am depending who I am around so that I fit in with everyone.
99) I am overly excited when catalogs come in even if I cant buy anything.
100) I believe that true love if properly reciprocated can overcome anything!

Is it possible that we had a breakthrough in the curse and for the first time since 6th grade we're both single and lonely? Not really the way I wanted to break the curse but I hope it is broken. I was seriously starting to get a little weirded out by the curse thing. I know it is silly, but..... it is also very freaky as well. Val, Im so so so incredibly sorry you got hurt. Guys SUCK! Wish I could be there to help you vent. You'll pull through it though. I know you will dear *hug*

I really think Im gonna be alright with the friendship only deal as well. It will definitely take some getting used to and mind adjusting, but in the end its probably for the best. Get to know each other really well. Not make too many plans that we cant garauntee keeping. Then if it turns into something WONDERFUL! If it doesnt, I guess we can just double date one day. But as Celine Dion says "My heart will go on and on". Granted Steve didnt drown and Im not now left to mourn the loss, but for the sake of having lyrics in the blog, it will work lol. I was reflecting today about my relationships, and I realized how much I truly miss Grant's and my friendship. Honestly, it was probably the best friendship I've ever had. That is what I am going for with Steve. I'd love for it to be more but right now I think best friends will be good for us both. So, cheers to friendships and not bungling them like I usually do. *cheers*

I have such awful luck. I need to work on my level of faith. Church was good for me today. There were lots of references to Romans 8:28 that says everything works together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I think the semi-main focus today was "there are bad things in you life- always will be, but you can either let them get you down and rule you, or you can use them to be strengthened and show God's faithfulness. Honestly a small part of me wants to be bitter and wallow b/c its easiest, but Im not going to give into that foolishness. Im going to become a stronger, more patient, and more understanding person like God wants me to be. I started praying for a patient heart months ago... maybe god is working on me. I know He is trying to work in Steve's heart and mind and life. Maybe now is not the right time. Maybe there will never be a right time. But maybe there will be and we both need to continue to grow before that. I dont know. Im not fooling anyone pretending like I do know. Bottom line is, I care about him and if Im stuck with friendship so be it. I may not like it just as that, but I'll take it, because in the end, I would be an idiot and selfish and childish if I wouldnt see him or be his friend anymore b/c I didnt get things the way I wanted. I was warned from the beginning and it is a risk I was and still am ready to take but he isnt ready to take a risk. I understand he was burned horribly. I know he is scared about getting hurt or hurting someone. He mentioned getting out sooner rather than later. My question is why do we assume it will end later? Maybe it wont. So I dont know.... maybe he needs time, maybe we're not right for each other, maybe he really just doesnt feel for me what I feel for him. Or maybe he feels it and it scares him. Could be either. Could be a lot of things. In the end though I just think that not trying b/c you are scared will be more detrimental than trying even if it doesnt work in the end. Then again, if Im not the only girl on his mind I shouldnt want to be with him anyway. Maybe friendship would be good for us. I wish my "psychic" abilities were controlled by me instead of occurring when they feel like it.

My brain isnt able to think about it right now. Oh, Im trying. Im trying to go back and sort through everything that was said and ration it out, but it's like I am physically not able to think about it. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would give me the answer to what I should do. I have a very definite answer and it feels like God is saying "You have my answer, that is enough. Just do what I say and stop trying to work it out yourself cuz youre just gonna screw it up". Very true, Lord. Very true. I even had a whole list of questions written out that I wanted to ask him, but I'm really just feeling like God is saying "this is how it is. Just accept it."

Last night I just kept thinking about it and it was driving me crazy. I just want him to be able to figure it out. I wanted definite answers. It seemed like it should be so easy in my mind. But today I started to remember how very screwed up my mind and heart was after Brandon and I broke up. I couldnt make sense of anything. It was like a deep hole and I was floating in darkness. There was no up or down or sides, no fresh air and i felt like i was suffocating. And I had the luxury of not being pressured to figure things out. I could take it as it came and not have to worry about someone else. Then I started feeling more sympathy and compassion than anything. Im sure I wasnt much of a help to him. Mom leaned over to me once during the service and said about Steven "It may seem easy to move on, but its not so easy to change the way your mind is working or not working", and it just so happened that I flipped my Bible to Romans and I read one verse that was highlighted. It said "let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think, then you will know what God wants you to do". I thought that was a little too crazy to be a coincidence.

So yeah, there ya have it. Im such a wonderful friend. What is it about me that screams "I am a much better friend than girlfriend!"???? But God is telling to be a friend and that is what I will do.

Unfortunately, true to my uncannily psychic-like abilities, I once again called the crap coming in my life. Reread the part about me seeing myself in Craig's position. Yeah.... pretty much what happened. Not on such a grand scale that my life is ruined or anything (by no means) but still I was the one going "Why are you doing this?". It majorly sucked. I'll write more on it later. Right now Im looking forward to going to church and getting away from all these thoughts in my head right now. One thing I wanna know though: I know God doesnt have to answer your prayers with a yes (I prayed over and over that we would both feel the same way) but what happened to ask and you shall recieve?

VAL YOU MUST BE HAVING SOME GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR GUY CUZ I AM NOT!

This sickness has really got me bumming or something. i need some happy thoughts in my life right now. seemed like only bad ones or reminders were poppin into my head today. like today in the car. im just driving boppin to the killers and all the sudden i get this flash picture in my head. not a memory, it was like watching a movie right in front of me and i saw myself. it was a year and a half ago (seems so much farther away). i saw me sitting in the driver's seat of my car telling craig that i couldnt be with him anymore. i remembered everything. everything from how i'd driven to the school administrator's parking lot and there were buses all around to how i cried b/c i knew he was hurt to exactly how it felt to hold him as his arms were wrapped around my waist and his tears were sliding down my neck and he begged me not to do what i was doing. i felt helpless again knowing that i had to do it and yet not wanting to hurt him and at the same time, strangely feeling so displaced that i almost didnt care. i was just so uncomfortable i just wanted to get out of that car and away from him. and today as i was driving to school i suddently understood what he felt for once. all his dreams he had placed in me for a year and a half were shattered in that moment. granted we had seen it coming for months, but in that solitary moment his whole entire life as he knew it ended. i had been his life. everything he had hoped for in the future had been b/c I made them happen for him. and while that is not fair to me to be expected to provide for someone and pretty much raise my husband, it still must have been absolutely devastating for him. in a way, he had nothing at that moment. no job, no school, no more dreams about a family and a home, a car he couldnt pay for, and no future. and i honestly felt like i was the one in the car hugging someone and pleading for them to love me and promising that i would change. it was so incredibly real. i almost had to pull over b/c i snapped out absolutely baffled and overwhelmed. i hadnt thought about craig in.... months. its been almost 2 years since i had any positive feelings about him. so i had to wonder why all the sudden the popped into my head and i felt such a connection suddenly. i still dont know.... and i dont know if i'd want to know.

the other major thing that happened today was i let go of every past relationship. like a breath of fresh air they were exhaled out. last night adam sent me an email that amanda (his new love and "future wife") sent to him. along with it was pretty much all the emails they have ever written to each other. maybe its none of my business to read them but he wouldn't have sent them if i couldnt. but anyway, it gave me the wierdest assualt of emotions. first and mostly, i was so so overwhelmingly happy for him. i honestly do think this is the girl that completes him and he should spend the rest of his life with. then i kept getting pangs of saddness. they wouldnt last long. but i would read his words and see how different of a person he is (in the best of ways), but it reminded me of how it was when he and i were together. and i wondered, why couldnt he have been that way with me so long ago? we were never meant to be together and i would never wish it any other way, but still.... why did our relationship have to be so hateful and hurtful for so long? why did it take 3 years before we could be civil to each other? why do i still get nervous when i'm caught off guard by him? and then i read a part im sure he wouldnt have wanted me to see, but i did (i stopped after that by the way). he was talking about how they were making love and he looked into her eyes and saw his future wife and mother of his children and how overwhelmed he was with love for her. and it was just one swift blow to my heart to compare my experience with him and hers. they were so different. my first time was not how it should have been, but it was and it was a long time ago as well. but just one stab to the heart and then it before, i would read what he wrote about her and i would wish that i was in his place and absolutely snowballing into this big ball of love and hope and excitement. i would wish that i was so sure of things like he was. and i would wish that i had someone who loved me like she loves him. but today, i stopped feeling that way. i dont know how, but i think i just surrendered it all. and just like clean air filling my lungs, peace washed over me and i didnt care about it anymore. im happy for them. all of them. all the guys who i have wanted to keep as "mine" in the back of my head, i let them go. im truly happy for adam and his new love. i truly hope that craig finds something to make his life meaninful and content. i hope that brandon gets his life straightened out and learns his place in life that God has planned for him. and i hope when he does that, that some wonderful girl will be there with him. i dont want any part of them for myself anymore. im cutting myself clean from the past. the present and future is all i have now, but i can tell you, they will both be better than the past.

I dont know why I started thinking about this today, but I was driving home from school and the thought popped into my mind of Steve saying how it is hard for him to kinda trust the idea of love b/c he thought he knew someone and they changed, and I realized that I have been in that situation even more than I knew. And I started trying to remember everything, and just started jotting things down. So now Im looking at my random sentences and Im going to try to arrange them so they make sense.

Well, first of all, let me start by saying that after Brandon broke up with me in June I was extremely cynical about love. Horribly cynical. To the point where I would almost put down people for being stupid enough for falling in love. Here is an excerpt from my old online diary to give you an idea of how I was feeling: "i know he loved me once. true love. REAL one of a kind LOVE! i read an entry about how much he loved me. i know he did. but how can something that powerful fizzle away in that short of time period (3 weeks) without something drastic happening? it was real, but its not. if something that powerful is that weak then i will never trust someone to tell me they love me again. if our love couldnt last then none can. i dont believe in "love" anymore. and i dont want to feel it anymore. i dont want to feel anything. I just want to crawl under a rock and die" It wasnt a very happy time as you can see. But yeah, I went from being the girl who loved more than anyone else and everyone thought would marry Brandon, to the girl who was angered at the sight of two people holding hands and could only imagine that one of them would be hurt eventually. I knew that what I had experienced was something not everyone gets to. I cried at the way he looked at me b/c love was just seeping out of his eyes. When he was around the world disappeared. I honestly thought that I would spend my life with him (although now I dont know how I thought that). And then we went from him telling me that he didnt even want to wait until I was out of school to marry me, to 3 weeks later him telling me that he wasnt "in love" with me anymore. It absolutely shattered my world and pretty much almost everything I believed in (besides my faith that God had things under control). Despite believing it was God's plan, I still became more bitter than I ever hope to be again. I NEVER wanted to experience anything remotely like love again. I said that if something that strong and powerful could change that quickly it was not to be trusted or that it even wasnt real. And it is true that love waxes and wanes. Comes and goes. Anyone will tell you that. So how is it that you can trust it? Because God made it. And God wants us to be happy. And God truly DOES and always HAS had a plan for each and every one of us. And it was through believing that that I started praying that God would soften my heart and bring back joy to my life and let me trust again. And very slowly it started to happen. I remember when I started dating Grant. I was being extremely cautious about getting to close to him and letting him get anywhere near my heart. One evening I fell asleep and woke up with his arm around me, and I tell you, I've never been so scared in my entire life! I jumped up and ran to the bathroom and had to regain composure simply b/c his ARM WAS AROUND ME! And then I started to think how rediculous I was being. God did not make people so they could be scared of love. God made woman for man because "it is not good for man to be alone". And so, I walked back in the room and sat with his arm around me. Not necessarily comfortable at first with it, but grew increasingly happy in his arms as time went on. In the end, I did get burned by him as well, but I survived that too. And I continued to pray and God eventually restored my believe in love to I think an even greater amount than I had to begin with! I have come to believe these things about love:

Maybe most importantly, love is not a feeling! Love is a decision. Like I said, everyone will tell you that feelings come and go. Some days you are head over heels and other days you want out. But its deciding to stick through it and work out the problems together that makes love real.

Alost extremely important, GOD MUST BE IN THE CENTER! If I learned anything it is that. This is especially important for Christians. Without putting God in the middle, how do we expect God to honor and bless the relationship? I heard once that a godo way to tell if someone is NOT right for you is if your relationship pulls you farther from God. God would not put you in a relationship that takes you from Him.

Along with the last one, relationship are about growing together. I cant even stress how much I think this is imperative! People change. You will change your entire life. Both partners will. It is simply an unavoidable fact. However, if God is the center of your relationship and you are both praying together and following His will for your life, I think it is eminent that you will grow together. It is important to also strive to grow together. You live for each other. Not for self anymore. You cant just decide to change your life b/c you feel like it. Your life is not necessarily yours. It is God's and then it is the relationship's. I hope that was taken correctly. Im just saying, that if it is real love, there will be dying to self.

Love is when you care for someone more than for yourself. Its putting others first and living for them.

Love is about support/desire/and compatibility. While making each other happy is definitely part of it, it cant be the center.Eventually you will have problems, and if happiness (or sex since some people do marry for that) is the center of your relationship you will quickly fall apart.

There are things that you must have and that you cant have. It is important to figure those out early and find someone who compliments those. Find someone you can be yourself with and find someone who accepts you exactly how you are. You should never EVER have to change a characteristic of yourself for someone to be able to love you.

This turned out being very very long. I doubt anyone will really read it, but thats ok. I think it is important though to think about all these things. Being scared or reserved is natural, but God made people to love. How sad of a life it would be to never give your heart away b/c youre afraid of being hurt. In the end, wouldnt that be more painful anyway?

I had an absolutely awesome weekend. Gotta say it was one of the better ones I've had in an exceptionally long time. God is blessing me in so many ways. They are uncountable really. I started wondering today when I finally started not being so mellowdramatic about God. When was it that I decided that living for Him was the only thing that really makes me happy?I think it was this fall. I think then I decided that I wanted to, and just lately Im actually trying to live it. And I gotta tell ya, I've never felt so good about my life and what I can accomplish through God. He really does give my life purpose. And I'm seeing the blessings of living for Him daily.

So like I was saying, this weekend was great. Steve came down Saturday and picked me up from work at 6. Then we came to my house and dropped off Hemi (his dog) for my Dad to play with while we went to the cafe. So we ate there and came back and pretty much just cuddled and talked and watched Dodgeball. Around 2 in the morning we were gonna call it a night, but Hemi wet the bed lol. Which I honestly didnt mind. There are worse things that can happen and its not like it was ruined or anything so what the hey. So we took all the blankets and cusions off the bed and I took them down to wash them. I hate leaving wet things in the washer, so I was just gonna stay up until they were dry and let him go to bed, but the wouldnt hear of it. So he sat on the couch downstairs and I sat behind him so I could lay my head on his back and talk (I love sitting that way with him for some reason). We ended up just talking until around 3:30 when we fell asleep. Honestly, Im glad Hemi peed and we had to stay awake, cuz I loved just talking to him for so long. At 5 he woke me up and He moved up to the couch upstairs and I went to my bed. Then we woke up at 8 and got ready for church. I usually hate having people in my house and having to work around them while Im getting ready, but we work very well together. Timing is always just about perfect. So then we went to church. Brandon had the opportunity to freak Steven out by coming up and laying his head on Steve's shoulder and then basically talking nonesense. Yeah.... I cant blame Steve for not knowing how to react. Half the time I dont. So after church Steve, Mom, Dad and I went to El Dorado's and ate lunch. The original plan had been to then go to the mall and get ski clothes and hang out, but we remembered the malls closed at 6 on Sundays. We were both tired anyway. So we ended up going back to my house, cuddling up on the couch and falling asleep watching a football game. I ended up sleeping for like 3 hours! Oops! But I loved waking up with him next to me. Even though, apparantly, I did snore once haha! We ended up playing spoons, bullshit (edited however by my family to bull), and rummy for several hours. It was a lot of fun. He fits in so well with my family. Its almost freaky sometimes. But I love it. It ended up being so late that he stayed last night too and left around 7 this morning to go back to Dayton. I would have preferred he just stay forever :).

Im really looking forward to skiing in 2 weeks, mainly cuz I'll have 3 days with him! Im praying for good things along with God's will. Never hurts to tell God what you would like to see done lol.

Well I dont have a lot to say. I did.... but everytime I tried to get on here the stupid thing wasnt working! Im kinda scared to use it now. Luckily all my blogs are still here *phew*! So I havent really done anything the past couple days. As soon as Im off work or back from school all I wanna do is go to sleep. Im still not feeling all that great. Its just this nasty feeling. Its like a sickness that sucks hope out of you. I know I'm not without hope, but I feel the same as I did when I was "hopeless". Granted, I know I was never really hopeless. But last summer I sure did feel like it. Didnt want to wake up, get up, move, eat.... nothing. Just sleep. Im kinda like that now. I get that way when Im sick though. Hopefully I will get over it soon, cuz Im liable to start doing crazy things like quit my job just cuz I wanna be lazy or drop out of school cuz I dont want to do homework. Cuz Im insane that way sometimes.

Ok guys, my life is really boring or something. I have nothing to talk about! ARG! Oh, Im going skiing for the first time ever 2 weeks from now! AHHH! How scary! Im very liable to impale myself. So... if you never hear from me again you'll know why. Everyone pray lol.

Yeah so I havent been having such a good day today. Not only did I wake up sad and in a bad mood, everything has been overly frustrating and points to I have nothing but broken dreams. I know I know.... Im over dramatizing, and I know life really isnt like that, but it feels like that right now.

One of the girls from my sign class came in overly joyous b/c she was just proposed to yesterday. Of course everyone was really excited and jumped for joy and wanted to see the ring and everything. She was so happy. And I was happy for her, but my heart wanted to cry. I've known that feeling before. I know what it is like to want to spend your life with someone. I knwo what it is like to love someone with all your heart and I know how it feels when it doesnt work out. I love the planning of a wedding and picking out colors and having people ask for details and want to know your love story. I love knowing youre not alone in life. I loved it all. And today I feel as far away from that as possible. After she left the other 3 girls in the room all got on theknot.com and started planning their weddings (none of them are anywhere near getting married either) and just goofing around having a lot of fun with it. And I couldnt. I used to live on theknot.com and it just wasnt fun for me today. I oohed and aahed over rings and dresses, but it just seemed very empty for some reason. The Adam wrote me about how much in love he is and how well it is going with his g/f and him and how they want to get married within the next year. I was so happy for him, but it was the saddest smile I've ever had. My heart wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I dont know if Im just stressed and depressed today or really bothered about it. After last night's conversation I just cant bring myself to want to dream about that. (geez Im really not blaming the conversation or the person. Im really not. It just assisted in this feeling but isnt the only reason. So dont feel guilty or bad for me...please. Its not ones fault) I was told to both dream and not to dream. Right now, it is better not to dream. It is better to hope something happens but not expect it. I hate that mindset. Its not me. Brittney Baber does not think that way. I am a dreamer. I have high hopes. And in a way Im scared to be that way anymore. It just seems like whenever I do they get shot down. And Im not talking with just relationships. Im talking in general. I have all these things I want to do and it seems like nothing will end up how I planned. School isnt, my job isnt, my future isnt, my summer isnt, what I had hoped isnt, the relationship isnt. Mainly its with relationships though. It just seems like everyone is going somewhere. And when I think I may I'm stopped. By no means am I forcing myself to feel any certain way. I've been on plenty of first dates to know Im picky. It is just funny how things work out. Its NEVER how you expect it. Maybe I should just stop planning. Maybe I should stop hoping. But like I said a few blogs ago, I think life would be very sad without hopes and dreams. But what do you do when you cant anymore? I just dont know what to do other than sleep. Its what Im good at. Sleep will at least always be there for me.

Man Im gonna be a hell of a lotta fun tonight (sarcastic)

You know what I did? I was a moron. I jumped ahead with no reason for it. I let my little imagination and big dreams get away with me and took a leap and Im in midair now not really knowing if Im going to make it to the other side or fall.

I woke up in the middle of the night and realized another reason why this bothers me so badly is that so many things that he said are exactly what Brandon told me when he dumped me. So many things are exactly the same and it brings back horrible deja vous. Its the same feeling only on a slightly lesser scale and I feel more stupid now b/c a good bit of the problem is here b/c of my own fault. Yep, its official. I am an idiot.

I think I decided I want to be proposed to like Amy is in this song. I can just picture it. Laying together... only a dim light on... cuddled up with my head on his chest and his arms around me... about to drift off... when he softly whispers "Brittney.... marry me"... to which I would whisper back "Yes"... and he would kiss my forehead and we would drift to sleep right there and dream about our wedding. *sigh* yes... that would be the perfect way I think to be proposed to. I wonder if it will happen.

Odds are I'll never be proposed to anyway cuz that is just my luck. Happy thought after that wonderful image.... I know.

Yeah, so um, I'm not gonna tell you anything about my weekend or feelings cuz I dont wanna jinx anything. That is what usually happens, and Im not taking any chances, so you're gonna be in the dark. Sorry dears. Its more fun for me this way anyway. Its like my little secret. It's also a little bit a clever way to save face a little in case shit goes down, but I don't predict that happening. But I guess when ya've been hurt its not that easy to just throw yourself out there for a letdown again. Let's pray that doesnt happen.

On another note, I feel like Im dying. My whole body aches and I feel weak and I cant make my hands stop shaking. This isnt a little shake either. This is like I have palsy shaking. Kinda freaking me out, so Im going to bed at this early hour of 10 b/c I cant stand it anymore and I have no reason to stay up.

I love you God, I love you! You're way too good to me! I knew there was something amazing out there just waiting, and I think I have found it. And even though he can read this, Im gonna bubble about him anyway, cuz I know my heart is bubbling over! So Steven, if youre reading, I hope you enjoy! Some people think I get too serious too quickly, which is not the case at all. I turn down enough offers that its not that I am desperate and jump at the first guy who comes along. No. I just know when my heart tells me this is something special. I know when something good comes along and I hold onto it, and this is definitely beyond good. I've never met someone that I feel so comfortable with so quickly. Its like we have been together for 6 months or more, thats how comfortable I am. With everyone else I've dated I've had to be eased into cuddling with them and being close. But with Steven.... I dont know.... I feel so good and safe and happy and content with his arms around me. My heart has grown so immensely for him so quickly it is startling and at the same time very comforting to know I feel that way. And we are so much on the same mindwave that I'm sure he feels the same way. We have so much in common. Not to sound too cliche-ish, but the Jerry McGuire quote comes to mind. We all know the one. "You complete me". I amaze myself to say that sort of thing, b/c anyone who knows my head knows that I never feel that way quickly. Even with Brandon, it took considerable time before I was comfortable having him hold my hand or that I wanted to fall asleep in his arms. But I feel that way now. Laying there tonight in Steven's arms, feeling him breath, listening to the rain, having his fingers lace through my hair.... it felt like home. Like life has finally started. Yes, that is how it felt. Its like I cant remember anything before now. None of it matters. It all begins here. And the skyline is laced with gold. I feel like God has led us to this point. In a way, I freak myself out by feeling this way, but I cant help but feel it. I've been praying for a long time now that when the right guy comes that he and I will both have an undeniable feeling... and I cant deny the feeling. And I cant even begin to describe the passion. As hard to imagine as it is... I've never been so caught up in the moment as I was tonight. It was like something straight out of a romantic novel (not one of the sleazy ones, but the truly romantic ones). I couldnt feel anything- my arms and legs were jello. But I was feeling everything at the same time and it was like senses were on overdrive. It was almost scary b/c for the first time in my life I felt like I didnt have control. But then again, it was ok, because of who it was with. So many emotions all running into my brain and heart. And all of them pushing me closer to him, wanting him more, needing to smell him, to have him touch me, to kiss him. I am completely overwhelmed, but I am relaxed b/c I know this is not my doing, it is of a higher power. And I trust that. And I trust this feeling. Im so freakin happy!

If anyone knows a quote that says something about "the one that makes you forget the one you lost" please let me know. I cant remember it for the life of me.

I saw Phantom of the Opera today! *swoon* Gerard Butler is even more wonderful... he sings! Be still my heart lol. I really did love the movie though. Oh, I have this horrible passion with theatre. I hope my future holds at least several trips to theatres. I'd love to go to Broadway at least once in my lifetime. There is just something about being there, with real acting and talent going on all around you... there is something nothing short of magical about it all. I feel caught up in the midst of it all. Like fantasy becomes reality for three hours. I havent been in a while... I miss it. After seeing the movie I have this deep desire to find a real theatre playing POTO and going no matter how far away to see it. I sat for almost 3 hours absolutely entranced, and I know seeing it live would be so much more amazing. Breathtaking really. As soon as it was over I rushed and got the soundtrack (what you are listening to). I highly recommend this movie! I cant wait to see it again! Maybe this weekend! This is love here baby!!!

Even with only half a face, youre still beautiful Gerry! xoxox ;)

It is so freakin awesome how some things just fall so into place. I swear my life is just a puzzle with God putting it together. As long as I just sit back and dont try to cram the peices in there, they all fit together to make a beautiful picture.

So the date went awesome I think. Im still kinda bubbling over about how great it was. The best word is just perfect. It was like we just fit really well. Everything did. There wasnt anything weird about it. It felt like we had been on countless dates before and it was just so incredibly comfortable. I cant even express how it went cuz it was just so crazy how well it all worked! We were both little idiots (basically just were normal) and talked pretty much nonstop and cuddled and it was just wonderful wonderful! I hate distance but maybe it will work out for the best that way. Im really really looking forward to Wednesday though! yay!

Other news: School started back today. Is anyone surprised I skipped? I didnt think so. lol

Today was pretty odd. Im awfully burnt thanks to tanning for 15 minutes yesterday (yeah my first time... pretty overly zelous I guess) and I started feeling the effects of it last night. Speaking of last night it was a lot of fun after all.

We all played spoons (crazy!) and did our New Years Eve tradition which is pretty goofy. We all stood on chairs and at the stroke of midnight you put a grape in your mouth and at every stroke you do it again, until you have a mouthfull of 12 grapes. Then you eat them and chug a drink (ours was sparkling grapejuice... yeah we're big drinkers) as fast as you can. It was really funny with everyone there. Then we playes Sardines, which is one of the most fun and scariest games ever!!! Im not the bravest person in the dark, so that game just about gave me a massive heart attack several times! Then at around 1:30 everyone decided to move the game to the church since my dad has a key and no one was there. It would have been so freakin awesome/scary! I really wanted to do it, but unfortunately I had to work today at 10 so I couldnt. I think I was starting to feel the effects of sun poisoning too, so I ended up not going.

I slept horrible last night too. The stupid cat kept scratching at my door, so I let him in for some stupid reason. Then he kept wanting to play, so he sat there and batted my face and hands with his paws for a few minutes until he resorted to rubbing this head against my face, and of course I had just put on chapstick, so globs of hair got stuck to my lip. When he realized I wasnt going to play he wanted back out, so I had to get up and let him out. Then around 4 everyone came back over to my house and were running around yelling and watching tv and woke me up several times. Didnt help that I was in massive pain from the burn. This morning I could not wake up for anything though. Good thing dad got me up about half an hour before work cuz I would have slept right through it.

So yeah, today at work I was fine for the first 15 minutes and then all the sudden this wave of nausea just swept over me. I started sweating and got dizzy and shakey and couldnt see. So I told Jen I had to sit down and sat there for a while until it passed. Then about 15 minutes later it happened again. I was pale (even over the burn) and I really horribly sick. They kept telling me to go home cuz I really was in bad shape, but I'd only worked 8 hours this week and today was another 8 that I really needed, so I decided to stick it out. Around 1 after a long time of sitting and resting on and off I felt better. I made it through the day. Now Im just exhausted. It took a lot of convincing to keep myself going. I think it drained me. But Im gonna go to sleep early tonight cuz I gots me a date tomorrow! YAY!!!! Cross your fingers!