Im so incredibly sick of homework. I've been doing it all fricken day! Ok I got this assignment 8 weeks ago. You think I've done any of it? NOOOO! Heres what it is. I have to make a portfolio including but not limited to: resume, all movies and CDs I've watched/heard pertaining to deafness, all articles (which is a lot), all books, all textbooks (once again a lot), 10 websites about deafness, papers about deaf schools, every syllubus i've ever had (you think I kept those??? these people are crazy!), several things on organizations BY deaf people, letters and corrospondences with deaf people I know, a paper on Deaf history, all my in class projects and papers, several reviews of websites by deaf people, my seminar paper, and all my practicum stuff. GAG!!!!! now ya see why it has consumed my day as it probably will for the next several days!

In other news, I gotta get another job. CVS refuses to give me more than 10 hours which I need like 25, so its not working out there too well. Im gonna look for a secretary job around here, but Im also looking at a couple interpreting agencies in Dayton. Which would kinda suck driving an hour to work, but it would be worth it to get in with an agency there and see how I like it before I make it my life. Choices choices, both so wonderful and horrible. Im glad I have them but I hate to have to make them.

Also, I know I said I was going to just have fun and date everyone but I changed my mind. I told you I would. I kinda am going the opposite way actually. I dont wanna date again until I move. Unless I find someone irrisistable that I MUST take a chance with, Im not bothering with them until I am in Dayton to live! Guys around here are just hicks and have absolutely no class.

May I just say that guys are idiots and i hate them

No one even just did anything to me, I just had to say that cuz Im feelin it now. Thanks for the vent time.

Im having a sad day today. One of those days you dont want to talk much and find yourself sighing a lot. I dont really know why Im just really blah about everything. Unfortunately its 7 and much too early to go to bed and Im not tired at all, but I really just dont feel like doing anything. I hate this feeling. I want my go get em kick butt self to come back! Where did she go?

I get a mole cut off tomorrow. FUUUUUUN!

I need to start keeping records on when I have deja vous or when premonitions come true or when strange things happen. I had a massive deja vous tonight. it wasnt even about anything important but I swear it happened before. Do most people have these so much? Its like when I kinda "lived" my breakup with craig from his perspective and like a day or two later I kinda got dumped. Stuff like that happens all the time. Strange...

So I watched my town's rendition of American Idol tonight. It was held at my church and I had nothing to do, so I thought why not. The place was packed. Over 500 people came which just goes to show you that Court House life is absolutely dead. But it was a lot of fun! I really enjoyed it! And Matt actually came up and talked to me and gave me a big long hug which he hasnt really done since we dated for that short time.... holy crap... its been over a year! When did that year go by???? But anyway, he was running the sound board tonight, and he kept sneaking glances my way so of course I ran with it and was being subtly flirty so I was pretty happy when he actually approached me for once. Went out of his way and moved semi quickly to beat me to the door to hug me. But Im not falling into his trap again. I learned my lesson. I gotta remember to hunt down Becky tomorrow and get CJs email. Its time to bring back fun dating. Someone's gonna have to put forth a good bit of effort or really sweep me off my feet to get me now. Im just gonna have fun non-serious dating for a while. I havent had "for the heck of it" dating in a long time. Maybe thats part of my problem. Too used to being serious quickly. Well, we'll see if that changes.... a large part of me doubts that I can change it.

I am now completely and totally single so guys.... come on down!

Ya know, I really gotta thank God for allowing me to see this coming a while ago so that I could get over it then instead of now. Surprisingly, I dont feel anything. Just contentment in life and knowing that it was the right thing to do. Maybe I will elaborate more later, but right now I gotta get to class! Later!

I wash my hands of the whole situation. Im done with it. Im tired and I dont deserve this but mainly it is what God is telling me to do. I prayed very hard about what to do. I asked that God give me an answer as to what I should do and that He would make me feel one way and one way only. I woke up this morning totally nonchalant about it. I should not have to work this hard to convince someone to care about me and I definitely shouldnt have to feel this way. So Im backing off. Very far. There will be no more calls from me and no going out of my way to see him. And I dont want to be asking him if he wants to see me. If he wants to see me he can ask me, but Im not waiting around. Im gonna go on a date with CJ and see how that goes and Im not going to keep my Saturdays open "just in case" Steve wants to see me. If he wants to hang out I will gladly hang out! But there will be no kissing or things of that matter. Not until he knows how he feels and he wants to get straight with it and can tell me that he wants to be with me. Until then, I am strictly single and we are friends only even if I am crazy about him. It feels good to be in control again!

I think I figured out the big difference between the me now and the me that could hold any guy. Its that Im too "easy" now. Not loose mind you. I dont go around sleeping with guys or anything, but I mean Im too available and forgiving. Im letting him run over me and letting him mull around and not have to decide anything. With Adam we had constant drama but I think it held us together. I was pretty much Craig's boss so he didnt have much choice. I was a little too nice to Brandon though and when I did start nagging him and getting on him about growing up it all went to Hell. Then I started making a point to be the most understanding person. But there is a difference between that and pushover and I think I crossed the pushover line. But Im stepping back now. Im going to be in control from now on. Ill still be loving and caring and understanding and compassionate, but Im gonna be putting my foot down too! So here's some tough love! Anyone who wants to be with me is gonna have to put some effort into getting me cuz Im tired of being here no matter what. Its too easy to be walked over. He's just gonna have to make a choice. Either its worth trying for or its not, but Im not gonna be around like that anymore. No more "easy" Brittney! Dont get me wrong.... I would love nothing more than for it to work out... but if it doesnt I wont be crushed either.

Why is Satan so mean to me? I feel absolutely like Im being crushed against the rocks as waves crash over me. I started realizing today while I was talking to Theresa that this feeling isnt from God. I started feeling really compelled during the Repentance talk, but I think I just started letting Satan talk to me. Like he was making me feel extremely guilty about stuff Ive done in the past that I already HAVE repented and turned away from. But I kept hearing "Youre going to do it again. You know its not out of you. You know youre weak. You want to do it more. If you even are thinking about it youre dishonoring God. You are a failure" over and over again these thoughts pounded me. Those and many more until I was about in tears and asking to leave (which I cant). And I still felt horrible this morning. I felt/feel like I am never going to live up to the standards I need to, Im always going to fail, Im never going to be good enough and so on and so on. But that is what Jesus died for, right? so that I dont HAVE to be good enough. So that when I repeatedly fail like I undeniably will, that I wont be punished and lose my salvation. Thats why Jesus' mercy and love and compassion are so incredible. I dont have to be perfect, becuase HE IS PERFECT for me!!! Its like a breath of fresh air to think about it that way. Yes we need repentance, but when it gets to where it is harming your mind and causing discord in your spirit... that wasnt from God. God does and always will love me no matter the stupid things I do. Isnt God good? Can I get an amen? AMEN!

*(inside joke)1) And all God's people said.... nooooo 2) Flight: Troubles will continue* HAHA so funny.... guess ya had to be there 

It is so weird. My first boyfriend and hsi wife just found out she is pregnant with their second child. I was totally bowled over! Shiloh is only 4 months old and now she is pregnant again, and even weirder, just 4 years ago I dated this guy! This is the guy I pined over for a year and a half. This is the guy who gave me my first kiss and one of the weirdest ever I may say. This is the guy I had my first date with and he was my first experience of "luv". Wow. Its so weird how things turned out. I still cant believe he is married. I remember when I found out he was getting married. We'd been broken up for I'd say two and a half years and I had been dating Craig for a year so I was definitely over him and not even thinking about him in any sense other than the guy who occasionally emails me with his dating problems. And then I heard he was engaged and I FREAKED! I didnt actually do anything or go psycho but some switch in my mind flipped and chaos ensued for a week lol. Part of that first love thing, ya know. It's funny how the human mind works. Seems like everyone is really actually grown up now. I cant believe he is going to be a dad again *contemplatively shaking head*. I feel really really young.

Other ex news, Brandon is ticked at me I believe. Oh well, thats our relationship I guess. Someone always holding something against the other even if the other doesnt know it. Keeps it interesting I guess. And Adam wants to move in with the girl the met 3 weeks ago. The world just really hit me there after that line. What has happened to the world? It just doesnt seem right.

Im so glad I dont have feelings for any of my exes anymore. Not one living feeling for any of them other than platonic. Thank you Jesus! I think I dodged many a bullet with all of them. I sure know how to pick 'em!

For some reason I thought about Craig alot today. Mostly about how for my 17th b-day he literally made my dreams come true. I had had a dream about he and I taking a drive in the country and I had flowers and a watermelon. So, for my b-day, he made a picnic and gave me flowers and then we drove and drove until we found a good spot for the picnic, and there was a watermelon and he told me he hoped all my dreams would come true. I wish they would have too Craig. So do I....

So Adam brought up some good points today. First of all let me just say that yesterday and today the thought kept popping into my head that Im not going after what I want and Im not being the girl I really am. Im not having my fairy tale. I've always had this dream about my fairy tale relationship and how I would be persued by a man and we would fall madly in love and fall into this whirlwind of emotions, and thats not happening. Which is ok. It doesnt have to happen like that. But I dont like it this way either. I feel like I am doing the persuing which is not how I want it at all. Im tired of chasing after guys who dont return my feelings. I think I deserve to be loved with someone's entire heart. Dont get me wrong, I understand being uncertain and testing the water, but how long am I going to be the one who is there when he wants and not when he doesnt? How long am I going to be the one who gets kissed and cuddled but doesnt even have a title of measely dating? How long until I can be the most special person to him b/c I am far away from that right now. I think about how happy he makes me, but then I wonder if Im being fair to myself. Im not really sure. Im more happy when I think that something is actually happening with us. Actions say one thing but then words say another. And I dont know what to think. I wish I knew what he is really feeling. Does he care about me that way and does he think we are growing or making any progress or am I just the girl who is fun to be with and will wait around? I dont sound like myself if I am the last one. I dont know what to do. People tell me one thing and my heart says another thing. My heart tells me there is something there while words tell me otherwise. I jsut dont know I just dont know. But here are the intersting points Adam made: your e-mail kinda
disturbed me. You seem as though you are happy and yet at the same time not (if that makes any sense lol)I don't know the all the circumstances, but I do know you, and the tone of your e-mail did not match the person I've known you to be. As long as I've known you you've wanted someone you can give your heart completely to recieve the undying love of someone in return.  Someone saying theyre "scared" after being with someone long enough to know the person who they are is no longer a reason, it's an excuse. Just please ask yourself is being with someone who's half sure about what they want what YOU want?....It's the decisions we make for love that either make us or break us for the future.  I understand love doesn't have to come up to you and smack you in the face right away to let you know it's there, but it doesn't cowarer because you're getting "too close."  What does "too close" even mean?  There's no such thing as "too close" when you feel yourself starting to fall for someone.  If God's will is that you fall for someone then you let go and enjoy the ride.  Falling never hurts anyone, only the landing. That being the case, if he is only paying attention to the landing then he's already missed the entire point of what a relationship is all about..... You're a grown woman now and you know what your heart desires, all you need to do is ask yourself if that's what you're getting.

I dont know if Im getting my heart's desires. See, Im all fine and dandy until other people come in and say things like this that totally make sense and make me wonder what I am doing. Anyone have advice, cuz I dont know whether Im being supportive and caring anymore of if Im just being naive. Someone give some advice.