A beaten heart throbs with sorrow and pain
Departure well impacted on the mind's eye
An eye that always feels and never lets forget
Bondage is my plea for escape would be perdition
Glance pierces soul- draining crimson life
Presence overwhelmes- suffocating hearts
The Void has more depth than my very being
Beauty is fatal- creating and destroying
An illusion of masked darkness and loving hatred
For beauty will bring, but never possess
The Darkness holds- black hands carressing my body
Corrupting the soul, destroying future hopes
I am not enough. I just am.
I hate and love the Void.
I breathe it, dream it, live it, create it
The Void is my very essence


the time has come to store away. hiding the tears.
burrowing the shame. justifying the sins. lies become truth
in this life i once knew. do you read my eyes? do you see
the person you've made? you look but dont see. searching
the crowd- looking for my face. you dont even know youve
found me. the remains of the girl you once knew. pure and
light and full of truth- that was my set legacy. but sin
and dark and filth and lies, this is what you left of me.
in a see of terror you've deserted me. beached on the
shores of confusion im stranded. secluded to the isle of
memories. i mourn the loss of my dreams, my heart, my
innocence. i watch as you move your eyes from mine. only a
glance. one that peirces like a double-edged sword. what do
i see? a beast with eyes of lust, disgust, and hate. a
creature with claws that pierce, kill, and leave victims to
suffer. i see a heart more lost than my own. and i know
that i am the beast that brought you here. here to this
island of lost souls and monsterous beauty. can we find our
way home? no. because a heart never mends, and a beast is
surrounded by memories.

desires- urges- pulling at my heart. tighten the grip and
squeeze. squeeze till i want to give in. to become an
animal again. to take what i want and endulge. to bite the
rule makers and tear down the walls. to not care what they
want but to capture my prey. to feed on what i can not
have. my need is strong. i am too small to hold such a
feeling. i fear it will take over. one urge at a time.
every tick is closer to beasthood. the monster is coming
out. its hungry and sees its prey. yet i also protect the
flesh, protect it from myself. the demon inside that
wants... staring with penetrating eyes and mouth
salivating. claws out and ready to pierce. to grab what it
wants and run. run to where it will enjoy. no one will
know. the desire is squeezing again. wrapping its talons
around my heart. pulling, tightening, consuming, ruling.
the animal is coming out. quickly run away! run away! for
today is the day you will become my prey

as i was driving down the road that winter day, i passed a
graveyard where many bodies lay. as i slowed the car down
to a crawl, i watched a mand who had once stood tall. this
poor man was feeble and old, a thousand sad stories he
could have told. but none so sad as the one i saw as i
silently watched his painful tears fall. his weathered body
was wracked with sobs, forced by the remains when a heart's
love is robbed. he touched the gravestone so harsh and
cold, that was when his hurting body did fold. he feel to
his knees with a painful groan, his legs and his heart
shared in that moan. his sorrow so massive, his heartache
so great, im sure that even i could feel his heart break.
he stayed there 'till midnithg with the moon shining down,
but tonight no one would comfort his aged crown. for his
beloved was gone, he'd forever be alone. with tears
streaming down he kissed the cold, hard stone.

sometimes i feel like someone not me. who am i? am i a
phantom? a figment of your imagination? no, im real... but
im evanescence. believe me good- im a saint. believe me
vial- im a devil. say im queen- ill run your life. say im
slave- ill worship your feet. think me rude- i am. think me
polite- i am. wish me luck- i will succeed. wish me
suffering- i will fail. give me love- ill shower the world
with affection. give me hate- ill beat the world with a
whip. dream me as special- ill change the world. dream me
as nothing- i wont exist. to you i may not be real, but to
him i am a savior of a life. to them i may be as real as
anyone, but to me... i just see whoever you want me to
be... coming through my skin

Im a bad bad friend to you. I never write. Its the typcial 5 month thing. After that long I start losing interest. Same with guys, clothes, class, shows, you name it. Youre just another fad. Shame on me for speaking that way.

Actually I just dont have time. Between getting ready for graduation, finals, getting an apartment, hunting down a job, moving, paying bills, suriving in general, life is very busy and stressful. I have stress blisters all over the side of my face. I hate it and they hurt and look horrible. I feel like I need to make excuses for them wherever I go. Im so horribly vain. When did that start? I used to be so the opposite.

So I played paintball for the first time since beginning of October. The warrier princess was dormant but she lives again! Hooray! I singlehandedly infiltrated enemy lines and took down 3 unsuspecting guys at once before the 4th could shoot me. I was so so proud. One of my finer moments. lol.

Sometimes I really wish I had a guy in my life in a serious and romantic way. I have the best guys in the world... as my friends. Sometimes I want more. And then most times Im so so glad that I dont have that extra pain in my side and the extra batch of stress blisters that would come from having to worry about a man. And we all know, there is rarely anything but worry and problems that accompany them. Arg, does it get any easier? Hightly doubtful.

I have become like the other masses who do not use their education. Im about to graduate pretty soon, and I dont know how Im going to use what I went to school for. Im really looking at clerical stuff or being a leasing agent. I think Ill try to do sign language free lance on the side, but theres no real way to tell anymore. Everything is nuts.

I just bought an apartment today! Cant move in until at least May, but its mine!!! YAY!!!!

Josh Groban made me fall in love today. Ok, not really, but I was listening to the song that you hear playing now while I was driving home from school, and all the sudden it made me want to cry. I had one of my flash-forwards (as I have come to call them) and saw a picture of my life I dont know how soon or how far away or where, but it was very quickly fleeting and I dont even really remember... I do remember laying on the floor with someone, both of us on our sides looking at each other and propped up on one arm, with a glass of wine in one hand and rug under us and the way he was looking at me... and I felt again. I was telling Adam last night that ever since Brandon I havent had that sparks flying, heart skipping when they touch you, cant think straight feeling. I've liked guys, but it wasnt "great love" feelings. And with that song and flash forward I felt it. I felt exactly how I did the one and only time I cried happy tears (with Brandon holding me and looking at me with intense love). My heart was full, my mind was racing, I had reason to be... and then I felt it slip away... and I wanted to pull over and sob right there on the side of the highway. And here I am feeling very alone and broken like I did last summer when Great Love did come to an end. I came home and looked up the words and amazingly enough the English version captures exactly what Im feeling. Its weird how one song can instill that much feeling... my hats off to the writers b/c I feel just what the song (in a different language) was trying to show. Strange huh? Heres the words:

I will miss you if you go
I will miss your serenity
Your words like songs to the wind
And the love that you take away with you

I will miss you if you go
Now and forever
I don’t know how I'd live
And my friend Happiness
Will go with you

I will miss you, I will miss you
Why are you going away?
Why has the love in you died?
Why, why?
Nothing will change, I know
And inside I feel you

I will miss you, I will miss you
Why are you going away?
Why has the love in you died?
Why, why?
Nothing will change, I know
And inside I feel that

I will miss the intensity
Of our days and nights together
Your smiles when it’s dark
Your childlike innocence, you

I will miss you, my love
I look at myself and find a void inside me
And my friend Happiness
Will go with you

I've had a wonderful day so far! I cant think of any way it would be more perfect unless I shared it with someone, but since I did not, it was the best it possibly could be. I woke up and it was snowing hard and was really windy so I said forget class and went back to sleep until around 11. When I woke up I went downstairs, made myself some hot vanilla tea and used the massive tea cup (ya know its a good day when the "special" cups come out). Then toasted a bagel and put lots of cream cheese on it and got some yogurt and cuddled under a blanket and watched Gilmore Girls. I had the house all to myself and it was so nice to just get to relax with my favorite foods, take my time, and watch my favorite show. It just seems like it should be a relaxing day today. Im going to have a Gilmore Girls marathon since Amelia let me borrow the first 2 seasons, and when Krista gets home we're gonna watch Dummy. Gerard has some competition... Adrien Brody is winning his way into my heart with his big nose, sad eyes, and gorgeous hair!!! Im feeling the obsession coming out! Dont worry Gerry, you'll always be number one in my heart ;). Im sure he was worried lol.

Well Im gonna get to work! The good thing about snow is it enables you to have lazy days like this.