Ok, so you know you're in Ohio when you turn on the TV and you hear the clip for the 11:00 news is "Tune in tonight to see how you can win a free dairy cow!" YAY!!! I've always wanted a cow of my very own! Now my dreams can come true.  Hot dog!

Then today, I get in the car and turn on the radio, only to hear that traffic is backed up because a stray herd of goats (thats right.... goats) has somehow gotten onto the highway.  I was much relieved however to hear that several police officers were "making their way to the scene" (as if the goats commited some heinous crime) and would soon have the issue resolved.  Thank God I know where my tax money is going.  Good thing I have the sheriff for times such as this.  Way to protect the people.  Keep up the good work boys!  Stop the goat revolts!!!!

Oh my, I love Ohio.... so so steriotypical and now so so true.

When I was driving home tonight, there must have been literally thousands and thousands of fireflies along the road.  It was so pretty.  For miles they were flickering across the fields and puddles we in Ohio call ponds, looking like twinkling stars in a galaxy of grass.  I loved it... until they meandered onto the road... then I didnt appreciate the now shooting stars smattering across my windshield.  It was kinda cool how they would light up upon impact, however, lightningbug guts are not the easiest thing to clean off glass. In fact.... it kinda just put this dull film all over the outside of the car and got worse the more I tried to fix (like everything in life it seems).  The experience did bring back some fond childhood memories.  Childhood meaning within the last 4 years.  Memories of me and Krista finding creative ways to destroy the little flashing monsters.  Some ways include: catching them in a bottle and then covering up the air holes (they get really bright and all dim at the same time slowly), catching them and smearing their lights on something (makes it glow for a while... I realize we sound horrible but my mom used to make jewelry out of them so in comparison we're really not that bad), and my favorite- taking a baseball bat to them.  Granted the last one is not so creative and just about anyone with joints can do it, but there is something about haphazardly swinging a large stick and sending little beams of light soaring across the yard that is so rewarding and satisfying.  We'd try to see who could hit one the farthest or the most in one swing.  Poor things would be invisible to our eyes and suddenly, with a mighty swing of the bat, three would light up simultaneously and arc across the sky like little fireballs. *Sigh* Good times. Eventually we had to throw away all the bats due to the rancid stench from hundreds of murdered bugs. Lesson of the story... I dont have one. 

This is not your typical myspace blog.  Anyone who wants to read something funny or quirky, either read my last blog of move on to the next person in your search b/c that is not what this is about.  This is about me getting out a little frustration or confusion or unhappiness or something.  I just needed to sort things out and it easiest on paper and my other blog is so freakin slow you get the pleasure of viewing my true thoughts.  So lets dig in with a spoon.  Basically Im just not happy.  I cant figure out whether I love my life or hate it.  It's reached the point where I almost question the need for medication, solely b/c I know I have a great life and yet it doesnt make me happy.  At the end of the day I feel incomplete, like the peices dont fit together and this is life is just not for me, but I dont know how to change.  I know I should be thankful and nothing but joyous, and I am thankful, but it just seems like my life is off.  I havent spent much time trying to figure out why b/c I dont want to wallow in self pity or try to find a reason why my life is "bad" (which I know is not true), so I try to just make the best of each day.  I think what probably is upsetting me most is the lack of any kind of security anymore.  I feel like everything I held on to before or that I should be grasping for now is missing.  It has all fallen apart.  First there is the moving factor.  Now I've always been independant, but I have lived this life for 20 years and its all I know. And what am I changing it for?  Absolutely no reason.  Just b/c I want a change, but I am so afraid of failing.  My job offers me no security.  It is low paying, and although I love it, I just dont feel like I fit in or like I am wanted there.  I dont want to go to a job where they tolerate me.  I want to be someone they dont want to lose.  In fact I am updating my resume as soon as I finish this and searching for another job b/c I just can not take wondering if they think I am good enough today or if tomorrow they will not want me and try to freeze me out again.  They cant fire me, but they sure can run me out.  I know I shouldnt let them but for what Im getting paid this is not worth it.  So there is moving and not being sure I can survive, there is the hanging by a string feeling at work, and then at home my mom, who has been the backbone of my life pretty much has basically adopted another family member, my sister's bf.  This is ok, but I really feel like she is trying to replace me.  I have been blown off for him and Krista several times, she spends more time with him it seems, and I sometimes wonder who she would even acknowledge first if I walked in the door at the same time as him.  I understand he is going through crap, but geesh, dont forget your child of 20 years. Ok, so now I sound like a spoiled baby, but you dont understand the relationship we had, and I just feel like it is changing drastically and I want it back.  Mom called me out on not being happy today and asked if it was b/c Krista had a guy and I didnt.  No, absolutely not it.  The only reason I DO want a guy around is b/c there is that security aspect.  I feel safe and protected with guys, which is why I think I have always surrounded myself with them.  I need to feel like someone is taking care of me and I dont right now.  I feel like it is me on the gangplank alone while the future is putting its all powerful foot on the board shaking it, willing me to fall into the raging sea below.  I just feel like the little bit of security I have will unravel at any time and leave me cowering in the corner. I hate this feeling, and I dont know what to do to make it go away.  I just need a hug so bad and for someone to tell me its going to be ok- that they wont let anything happen me.  Be my hero?