Im so tired of not being happy. I dont even know who I am anymore. I used to blog to figure things out. Now I purposely avoid blogging so that I dont have to think about things. But maybe I should.

Alright, so I picked up Kaysa (the dog) Saturday, and ever since then I've been pretty unhappy. I couldnt figure out why until just now. Well, other than the fact that she ripped my expensive new curtains, destroyed my blinds, peed the size of 2 pizzas in my living room, tore apart my cd cases, cries at the door every 20 minutes and wants to just wander outside, and had me up all night with her barking and crying and need for continuous attention. That didnt make me too happy. But I can get used to all that stuff if its just the whole adjusting to a new situation. All that will hopefully get better. Its the part about her taking away my freedom that I dont know how Im going to adjust to.  Its no secret that I havent been my happy self this entire year pretty much. Just about anyone who knows me well knows that Im jsut very discontent and discouraged about a lot of things. The times that I am happiest are when I randomly decided to hop in my car and just drive. Roll down the window, put in some Ben Folds or Warren Haynes and enjoy the feeling of complete freedom and momentarily no worries. I could go to Barnes and Noble for 6 hours and stop by Starbucks and if Im feeling really good go paint some pottery before I come home to chat online or just chill watching tv. And I cant do that anymore! This dog cries when I go to the bathroom! She completely freaks outwhen I leave for short periods of times! (I am so dreading coming home from work tomorrow and seeing the house all in shambles. My beautiful apartment I worked so hard on. Im so proud of all I've accomplished and what I have to show for it, and in a few days she is quickly hurting it all. There are toys and treats laying around and water trecked through the kitchen and the windows are destroyed) Im like a prisoner in my own home.  My home which used to be my safe refuge and comfort zone is not that anymore. Now I know that when I come home Im going to have to focus my all on her to make her ok.  Im going to have to continuously stop what Im doing and take her outside for no reason (she just wants to wander). Im going to have to monitor all she drinks so she doesnt puke again. Im going to have to stop over her constantly since she wants to always be up against me and in my way. She just needs a lot of attention. And if Im honest with myself, I'll admit that I might be too selfish of a person to give her that. Im gonna keep trying for a while. Its too soon to surrender now. But something is going to have to change or Im going to have to have a change of heart. I hate surrender.  She deserves a home that will make her their all. I think she needs a home where she can come and go inside and where she has other animals.  She doesnt deserve to be drug from home to home or to be stuck inside if she feels like just being outside. Im not sure what to do. Like I said, Ill try a bit longer. I was still getting used to live before and adjusting. Maybe it was just too soon to throw a responsibility like this at myself. I finally had just stopped crying myself to sleep every night and dreading getting up. I was starting to accept life as it was. And now its different. The things I loved most and used as my safety harness are not the same or are unusable now. Maybe its just an adjustment period right now. But if I dont adjust and I cant love her and apperciate her the way I should I will have to give her back.

Other than that, Im still looking for another job. Kinda. I like my job but Im really getting jipped with the pay and especially if I keep Kaysa I need some extra money. Plus its still just as insane and psycho and it really makes me sick to be part of it. three vets offices are hiring for receptionists and technicians so Im going to go apply to those tomorrow hopefully. I wish I didnt have to leave my work now, but Im pretty sure I have to. Healthy normal people just dont put themselves through this kind of shit over and over.  I hate daily worrying if Im going to get in trouble for nothing or if it will be a good day and everyone will like me. Its just so rediculous there.

Other big thing is that I am really missing being in love again. Im starting to worry about myself. If Im not careful, I will do stupid things just to fool myself into thinking Im being loved. The very ironic thing is that there is someone very close to me who really does love and care for me and I push him away just to knowingly be led on by guys I know just want me for one thing or who i know it wont work out with in the end.  Im trying to just stay away from them all, b/c I have come to realize I cant trust my mind anymore.

I have also had a growing suspicion ever since I was 16 that something is physically wrong with me that will prevent me from having kids or that might be potentially dangerous for me.  After reading an article in Cosmo about endometriosis and further looking into it, Im really concerned. I've got a Dr's appointment to try to get a referral to see a specialist coming up at the end of this month. Im really crossing my fingers. Wouldnt that be great. The ONLY goal I still have is to get married and have a family, and that is potentially threatened now.... Im trying not to worry but I do anyway.

If Im this depressed now Im really not looking forward to the winter. I dont want a repeat of last winter. Im one of those people whom the weather really effects their emotional state of being, and I always get into a depressed funk in the winter... Im wondering if I should be worried cuz at this rate its gonna be baaaaaaad.

Alright Im tired of trying to figure myself out already. I dont even really want to know the girl I've become. I think Im afraid to know her. But if I get a brave moment and feel like digging deep Ill make sure to type it out for viewing pleasure. Lata